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    Archive for 2011

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    It’s The End Of The World (As We Stole It)

    | Upstate New York, USA | Religion

    (I work for a telecommunications company doing tech support. It’s 5/20/11, the day before the supposed Rapture, and I am scheduling a work order.)

    Me: “Now, sir, I have appointments open for the 21st. Would that work at all?”

    Caller: “Well, yes, we should be around, unless we get Raptured. In that case, we might want to cancel it. Or, if we don’t, we might not want to cancel it. Not sure which one is the bigger problem.”

    Me: “Sir, I do assure you we are well prepared for either eventuality–return of Christ or not. Now, barring Rapture, I have a 1 – 3 pm and 3 – 5 pm. Which would you’d prefer?”

    Caller: “1 – 3 pm. If we don’t get Raptured, we want time for looting.”

    Not Getting With The Program

    | CA, USA |

    Me: “Good afternoon, [Software Company] Tech Support. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I have a complaint about your software. My employees keep exiting the files without saving. I need you to fix that problem with your software.”

    Me: “Sir, when you pick to exit the application, it asks you if you are sure you want to exit without saving.”

    Customer: “I know. I think they are just hitting enter at the question.”

    Me: “Sir, the default is no.”

    Customer: “Well, they must be answering yes.”

    Me: “I’m not sure how we can change the software to make it easier for your employees to understand.”

    Customer: “Can you add a second box after the first box, asking if they are really sure they want to lose what they just entered?”

    Me: “I can put that request in, sir. But I doubt that development will change the software.”

    Customer: “Why not?! It’s a bug in your software! I want it fixed!”

    Her Heart’s Really In It

    | UT, USA |

    (This very old lady is calling. She calls every so often and always sounds like she’s ill.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling customer support. How may I be of assistance to you?”

    Customer: “I am highly upset right now!” *coughs and wheezes* “You people are always messing up my orders! I am a high paying customer who needs to have their order now. I can’t get into my account.”

    Me: “Alright. Have you tried logging in?”

    (The line goes silent. I can hear her clicking her computer.)

    Customer: “Oh, I feel so ashamed. I can die right now.”

    Me: “That’s okay, ma’am. I’m just glad you were able to get in. Is there anything I can do for you?”

    Customer: *coughs* “My chest hurts.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “I think I’m having a heart attack from all of the shame!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you should call the doctors right away!”

    (I hear a noise.)

    Customer: *coughing and laughing* “Never mind. It was just gas.”

    Me: “Well, I’m glad you’re alright, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Me too. But I don’t think that my dress is.”

    Pressing All The Wrong Buttons, Part 2

    , | Central Oklahoma, OK, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [bank] credit card services. Can I have your name, please?”

    Caller: “You need to turn my d*** speakerphone on before I can talk, so I can hear you across the room!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I can’t turn your speakerphone on for you. You have to do that yourself.”

    Caller: “All the other f***ing banks can turn it on for me! What do you mean you can’t?!”

    Me: “Sir, nobody has the ability to turn on your speakerphone for you, except for you.”

    Caller: “Well, why the h*** not?!”

    Me: “Sir, I can’t reach through the phone and push the speakerphone button for you. It’s physically impossible. You have to do it yourself.”

    Caller: “What the h*** do you mean you won’t push the button for me?! Are you saying you’re not going to come push my buttons?! Where the h*** are you located?!

    Me: “Central Oklahoma, sir. You have to push your own buttons.”

    *long silence*

    Me: “Anything else I can help you with, sir?”

    Caller: “You’re too far to push my buttons anyways.” *hangs up*

    Related:
    Pressing All The Wrong Buttons

    I Say Potato, You Say Something Obscene

    | Port Clinton, OH, USA |

    (A customer has ordered two beef subs.)

    Me: “What veggies would you like on the first one?”

    Customer: “Pickles, onions, tomatoes, and h*** penis.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, pickles, onions, tomatoes, and what now?”

    Customer: “H*** penis. And mustard.”

    Me: “Okay. You said jalapenos, right?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Alright, then.”

    (I put everything else on, then ask if I’ve missed anything.)

    Customer: “The h*** penis.”

    Me: “Jalapenos?”

    Customer: “No.”

    (I point at the jalapenos.)

    Me: “These?”

    Customer: “Yes! God! I only said it, like, three times!”

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