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    Archive for 2011

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    The Devil To Pay, Part 2

    | TX, USA |

    Me: “Alright. Your total is $23.34.”

    (The customer hands me $30.)

    Me: “Alright. Your change is $6.66.”

    Customer: “That’s the devil’s number. I don’t want my change. It’s been tainted by Lucifer.”

    Me: “Will it help if I give you an extra penny, or one less?”

    Customer: “I don’t want it! The devil’s already marching through the stores.”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s just six dollars and some change. If you want, you can buy a pack of gum and it’ll be a dollar less.”

    Customer: “That’s just Satan’s way of entering my body because I didn’t heed God’s word!”

    (The customer gets on her knees and begins to scream, cry, and pray. My manager comes up as I’m not able to check anyone else out. Everyone else has gone to another checkout because she’s frightened other customers.)

    Manager: “Ma’am, you’re upsetting people. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

    Customer: “Your cashier is touched by Lucifer himself! She needs to be baptized in the holy waters.”

    Manager: *giving up* “Don’t worry, we have the priests come in every Sunday to bless our shipments.”

    Customer: “Oh, well. That’s the Christian thing to do.”

    (The customer gets up and takes her groceries. She refuses to take her money. The manager just tells me to keep it so my drawer isn’t over.)

    Related:
    The Devil To Pay

    They Grow Up (And Get Incarcerated) So Fast, Part 2

    | TX, USA |

    (I am approached by an 8-year-old customer.)

    Child: “Miss, can I buy this game?”

    (He holds up a copy of an adult-rated game.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, you can’t. You’ll need your parent or guardian to buy that for you.”

    Child: “Okay. I just called my mom. She’ll be here soon.

    (The mother and other children arrive at the store.)

    Mother: “Okay, what is it?”

    Me: “I just need to know if you approve of this game. It contains blood, violence, use of drugs-”

    Mother: “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Boobs, butts, drugs, whatever. I don’t care. He’s paying for it.”

    Related:
    They Grow Up (And Get Incarcerated) So Fast

    The Deaf-initive Guide To Parenting

    | San Francisco Bay Area, CA, USA |

    (I work at the disability services office at a major university. We have an open house event.)

    Parent: “What sorts of services you offer for students with hearing impairments?”

    Me: “Oh, lots. We have real-time captioners–”

    Parent: “Oh, like on TV.”

    Me: “Yeah, sort of. The captioner attends the class and types the captions in real time.”

    Parent: “Oh, cool. Well, my son’s hearing impairment is pretty mild, so I doubt he’ll need any of that. But I told him it’ll be important to hook up with your office because of extra funding and stuff. These days it’s all about the money, baby.”

    Me: “Yeah, it’s true. There’s a certain amount of money available for students with disabilities. It can’t hurt to have him
    come see us. Feel free to have him email or call, and we’ll set him up with an appointment.”

    Parent: “Oh, he won’t be needing that for a while. He’s only five. I’m just trying to get a jump on things.”

    Overly Positive

    | New Zealand |

    (A customer approaches the counter with a huge smile on his face.)

    Me: “Good morning, sir! How can I help today?”

    Customer: “I need to find a ring for my girlfriend.”

    Me: “I can help you with that. Is this a ring for a special occasion?”

    Customer: “Yes! We just found out that my girlfriend is pregnant, and I want to give her a ring to celebrate.”

    Me: “Congratulations! How far along is she?”

    Customer: “Only a few days. See, look. The test was positive!”

    (The customer pulls out the used pregnancy test, which indicates a positive result. He tries to wave it in my face.)

    Customer: “Do you want to see?”

    Me: “I really don’t need to see. I believe you.”

    Taxing Faxing, Part 9

    | WI, USA |

    Customer: “I need to open an account.”

    Me: “I can help you. It appears your employer requires you use a specific internet site to do that.”

    Customer: “What do you mean?”

    Me: “You have to go on the internet to a specific site to fill out the application.”

    Customer: “What if I don’t have a computer?”

    Me: “That’s okay. I can fax or mail one to you.”

    Customer: “You guys will mail me a computer?!”

    Related:
    Taxing Faxing, Part 8
    Taxing Faxing, Part 7
    Taxing Faxing, Part 6
    Taxing Faxing, Part 5
    Taxing Faxing, Part 4
    Taxing Faxing, Part 3
    Taxing Faxing, Part 2
    Taxing Faxing


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