(I’m a public safety officer in charge of the entire campus over the weekend. A large building has been locked, secured, and the key card access has been turned off because the building is being fumigated. I get a call on my work phone.)

Me: “Campus safety, how can I help you?”

Faculty: “Hi, I need to get into [building].”

Me: “Sorry, that building is closed for fumigation.”

Faculty: “I know, I left something in my office that’s really important. I need to go up and get it.”

Me: “I understand, but the entire building is locked up so no one can get in.”

Faculty: “I know, I have been trying to get in. They must have shut off the keycard readers.”

Me: “You’re trying to get in? You can’t sir. The entire building is filled with toxic fumes.”

Faculty: “I know that! I just need to get in real fast and grab something.”

(His office is actually on the 4th floor. Even running and taking the elevator could be a 6-10 minute round trip in poisonous gas.)

Me: “Sir, I can’t let you in. You could become seriously ill from the fumes. I can’t take that responsibility.”

Faculty: “What if I wrote you a note saying it was okay?”

Me: “That likely wouldn’t protect me from much if I let you in and you collapse. Then I would have to go in and get you and compromise my health and safety.”

Faculty: “But you’re Campus Safety! Isn’t it your job to do that?”

Me: “I’m ensuring your safety by not letting you in a poison-filled death trap.”

Faculty: “Fine, then!” *hangs up*

(A male customer approaches the cash register.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “What did you say to me?”

Me: “Um, how can I help you?”

Customer: “You… help me? How can you… help me? YOU?”

Me: “Um, yes. Do you have a problem with that?”

Customer: “You can’t help me!”

Me: “Okay, why not?”

Customer: “Because I don’t need YOUR help!”

Me: “Okay, what do you want me to do? I’m the only one working here.”

Customer: “I want you to ask me, ‘How may I serve you?'”

Me: “Um, no.”

Customer: *cusses up a storm and leaves*

This story is part of the snobby customers roundup!

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(I am a supervisor at a hotel in the Canadian Rockies. This particular day, I am on duty alone and on the phone with a caller when this takes place.)

Guest: *shouting* “Call 911 now!”

(I glance up from the phone call to see that a guest has collapsed in the lobby.)

Me: *On the phone.* “There is an emergency and I need to put you on hold.”

(I put him on hold to call 911. I alert the paramedics and begin first aid on the fallen guest. In the meantime, my boss goes behind the desk to assist other clients. He notices there is a call on hold and picks up.)

Boss: “Yes, sir. I understand, sir, however, there is a legitimate emergency taking place in the lobby as I speak which she had to attend to.”

Caller: *inaudible*

Boss: “Yes, I understand your time is important, as is your business, however, I am sure you can appreciate why she was called away so abruptly.”

Caller: *inaudible*

Boss: “That’s fine, sir, you can have your lawyer contact us if you deem it necessary.”

Customer: “I’d like to order two large chocolate thickshakes, but I don’t want them to be too thick.”

Me: “Well, would you like milkshakes then?”

Customer: “No, I want thickshakes. Just don’t make them too thick.”

Me: “Well, milkshakes are less thick versions of–”

Customer: *explodes* “NO! I WANT THICKSHAKES!”

(A mother is chasing her five-year-old around the store because he can’t have what he wants. After chasing him for a few seconds and yelling at him, she turns to me.)

Customer: “Can you tell my son you don’t want him in your store?”

Me: “Um, I don’t know if that would–”

Customer, to her son: “See! The man says you’re bad and have to get out of the store!”

Son: *leaves quietly*

Me: *speechless*