Me: “I’m sorry, the bread isn’t scanning on to the till. I will just go and check the price on the shelf.”

Customer: “When I was a boy like you, I used to work everything out in my head. None of this till business.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I can’t seem to find where you got that particular type of bread from. May I ask where you took it from?”

Customer: “This is ridiculous. Is your manager here?”

Me: “She leaves me in the shop on Sundays. Did you get the bread from here?”

Customer: “No. I got it from the supermarket.”

Me: “So, you’ve already paid for it at another shop, sir?”

Customer: “I’m sorry. My brain isn’t what it used to be.”

Me: “That’s why I use a till, sir.”

Me: “Hello, sir. You’ve reached [company]‘s technical support.”

Customer: “Hello! My computer seems to be having some issues. I used your software just the other day and suddenly, ah…wait a minute.”

(There is a significant pause.)

Customer: “How do you make it go?”

Me: “The software? Well, you can look for the icon on your desktop, or you can use the search-”

Customer: “No, no! The box! The, the uh, computer!”

Me: “Uh…press the power button?”

(A considerable pause follows.)

Customer: “Liar.”

Customer: “Can I pay for my meal in guacamole?”

Me: “I–excuse me?”

Customer: “My wife makes a mean guacamole.”

(I sell e-readers at a book store.)

Customer: “How much do books cost in this thin thing?”

Me: “Here’s a list of new releases on the e-reader. This book is $14.99.”

Customer: “Is that hardcover or paperback?”

(Our bakery in question sells the best cupcakes, muffins and American coffee in town. It attracts a lot of English-speaking clients. Therefore, all the staff speaks excellent English. I am standing in line behind an elegant woman in her mid 30s.)

Cashier, in Polish: “Good morning, ma’am. What can I get you?”

Customer, in French: “I’d like a coffee with milk, please.”

Cashier, switching to English: “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am. I don’t speak French.”

Customer, in French: *appalled* “What?! I don’t understand! You’re talking to me in English!”

(She turns to other customers in line.)

Customer, in French: “She’s talking to me in English!”

Me, to the cashier: “I know French. Maybe I could help?”

Me, to the customer, in French: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Maybe I could translate for you? What would you–”

Customer, in French: “She’s talking to me in English!”

Me: “Yes, she is. She doesn’t speak French. Don’t worry, I can translate for you.”

Customer: “But we’re in Poland! And she’s talking to me in English! Isn’t that illegal?!”