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    Archive for 2011

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    Bilateral Symmetry Meets Botched Schooling

    , | Phoenix, AZ, USA |

    (I am organizing my area of the store when a customer and her young daughter come in.)

    Girl: “Mommy, why can’t I marry my cousin?”

    Mother: “Because you’re too closely blood related.”

    Girl: “What’s ‘blood related’?”

    Mother: “It means if you had a baby together, it might come out with a deformity. You know…like having two arms.”

    As Helpless As A Baby

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Top, Tourists/Travel

    Me: “Welcome to *** Airlines. How can I help today?”

    Caller: “I need to book a ticket for my husband for May 3rd, from Tampa to Grand Rapids, Michigan.”

    Me: “Thanks. Would he prefer morning, afternoon, or evening flights?”

    Caller: “What does that mean?”

    Me: “The morning flight leaves in the morning, at 6:45 am. The afternoon flight leaves at 1:20 pm in the afternoon. The evening flight leaves at 6:25 pm.”

    Caller: “Can he get there in time?”

    Me: “I don’t know, ma’am. That depends on where he’s leaving from, and how far he has to drive to the airport.”

    Caller: “Oh. And those are all on May 3rd?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

    Caller: “My doctor’s inducing my labor on May 2nd. Will he get here in time?”

    Me: “I really don’t know how long your labor will last, ma’am. That’s something you should probably consult your doctor about.”

    Caller: “But is May 2nd the same day?”

    Me: *baffled* “The same day as…?”

    Caller: “The same day as May 3rd!”

    Me: “No, ma’am. May 3rd is the day after May 2nd.”

    Caller: “But what if it’s 5 in the morning?”

    Me: “It’s either 5 in the morning on May 2nd, or 5 in the morning on May 3rd.”

    Caller: “But is it the same day?”

    Me: “Maybe you should have your husband call to book his own flight, because he’ll know how long it takes to get to the airport.”

    Caller: “That’s a good idea. Should he book it for May 2nd or May 3rd?”

    Me: “You should probably ask your doctor first.”

    Caller: “I guess. You people make it so complicated to buy a ticket!”

    Phoney Answers

    | USA |

    (I’m standing at my register. A customer walks up while talking on her cell phone. I smile at her and start ringing up her order.)

    Me: “Would you like a box?”

    (The customer is still talking on cell phone and doesn’t answer. I start packing her order in a box anyway.)

    Me: “That’ll be [total].”

    (She hands me a check, but is still talking on her cell phone. I put it through the check printer for her.)

    Me: “Okay, I just need to write your phone number on the check.”

    Customer: *dead pan, and still on her phone* “I don’t have one.”

    *extended pause*

    Me: “Okay, I’ll just put ‘unlisted’.”

    Not The Most Well-Red Of Customers

    | FL, USA |

    (I’m taking a to-go order over the phone. The customer is ordering a couple of well done steaks.)

    Customer: “Okay. On those steaks, I want them to be cut through all the way to the bone on both sides. I want to make sure that they are cooked all the way through. There can’t be any pink.”

    Me: “Okay.”

    Customer: “Make sure they do that. They didn’t do that last time.”

    Me: “Okay, I will tell them.”

    Customer: “The reason I need them cut like that is to make sure they’re cooked all the way through. My doctor told me not to eat red meat.”

    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 14

    | CT, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, do you have financing options?”

    (I explain the program, and the customer fills out the online form. The site gives an instant decision. She gets declined.)

    Customer: “I got declined. I don’t understand why.”

    Me: “Well, it has to do with your credit. You’ll receive a packet in the mail within 10 business days explaining exactly why you were declined.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous. Can you help me with this? I think I did something wrong.”

    Me: “Well, I wouldn’t apply again. It’s not likely to change and it means that it will run another credit check on you.”

    (The customer insists, and begins filling it out with me there overseeing. She gets to the section about annual income and planned purchase amount. She puts $100,000 as her annual salary. Keep in mind, she’s no more than 25.)

    Me: “Man, I’m in the wrong business. Can I ask what you do?”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, I’m a student. But my dad works on Wall Street.”

    Me: “But you make $100,000 per year?”

    Customer: “No, my dad does.”

    Me: “But, you’re applying for the card in your name. They need your annual income.”

    Customer: “Can’t I just use his?”

    Me: “No, you can’t. In fact, what you just did is illegal. That’s why you got declined. You’re trying to commit credit fraud.”

    Customer: “Oh, I can’t do that?”

    Related:
    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 13
    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 12
    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 11

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