Patron: “Do you have any books about division?”

Me: “Sure, we have lots of books about arithmetic. One of them is bound to have what you’re looking for.”

Patron: “Good. The radio frequencies around my house interfere with my calculator, so I have to learn math again.”

Me: “Let me just show you those books.”

(I work at a bookstore. It’s well known at work that my voice resembles my manager’s voice.)

Me: “Good afternoon, [bookstore], this is–”

Caller: “Hey, you little vixen, when are you coming home? I’ve got a bottle of champagne–”

Me: “Um, wait, I–”

Caller: “Ooh, I’m gonna–”

Me: *turning beet red* “Nancy! Your husband is on the phone!”

Related:
You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 5
You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 4
You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 3
You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 2
You Got The Wrong(est) Number

(A customer calls to place an order for delivery. While entering the credit card information for payment, I need the zip code.)

Me: “Can I get the ZIP code to the billing address?”

Caller: “Where on the card is that?”

Me: “The ZIP code. It’s not on the card.”

Customer: “What is that? They always ask that, and it’s not on the card.”

Me: “Um, the ZIP code. It’s…it’s a number the Post Office uses to tell where to deliver mail to.”

(There’s a silence. I can’t tell if he’s thinking or if he’s just has no idea what’s going on.)

Me: “I’ll just put [local ZIP code] and see if it works.”

Customer: “Um, okay, yeah.”

Me: “Ok, it went through. We’ll see you soon.”

(The place I work at sells everything for your home. Note, the store is a warehouse and has cement floors. A customer walks up to shelf check out, begins to check out, and drops one of two glass vases. The vase, of course, shatters into pieces.)

Customer: *walks up to me with the unbroken vase* “I don’t want this vase anymore. I didn’t realize how fragile they were.”

Me: “You didn’t realize how fragile these glass vases were?”

Customer: “Yes, and I don’t want to purchase an item that can break this easily.”

(The customer begins to walk back to her check out. Halfway, she turns around again to address me.)

Customer: “Oh, and by the way, can you clean up this mess?”

Customer: “Can I have a hot chocolate but with coffee in it?”

Me: “So, would you like a mocha?”

Customer: “No, no, no! I said I wanted a hot chocolate with coffee!”

Me: “Okay.” *makes a mocha, and all is well*