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    Lost In No Translation, Part 3

    | USA | Language & Words

    (I work in a large home improvement store and I’m the only female in the department. A customer pulls up on his motorcycle and parks it on the sidewalk outside the door, then staggers inside, making a beeline to me despite all the other sales people.)

    Customer: *in a loud drunken slur* “Where do you keep your nipples?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Your nipples. Where do you keep your nipples?”

    Me: “I’m not sure I understand what you’re looking for.”

    Customer: *getting louder* “Where do you keep your nipples?! The titties you mash to start your engine!”

    Me: “Oh, the fuel bulbs are kept over here.”

    (The customer purchases them and leaves. The other associates actually gave me applause for the diplomatic interpretation of his drunken demands.)

    Related:
    Lost In No Translation, Part 2
    Lost In No Translation

    Makes Perfect (Non)sense

    | Missouri, USA | Bizarre

    (I work at a mail order pharmacy at the receptionist desk. This call comes into the switchboard.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling pharmacy. How may I direct your call?”

    Caller: “I wanna talk to [name].”

    Me: “I’m sorry, there is no one here by that name. Are you a customer of ours?”

    Caller: “I need to speak with [different name] because Barack Obama sent some men to try and kill me!”

    Me: “Um, I’m sorry, are you a patient? Do you need medication from us?”

    Caller: “No, [different name] stole my rent money and Barack Obama is working with OJ Simpson, who’s in prison, and they are sending some men after me to kill me! Obama apologized to me publicly, but he didn’t mean it! Now he’s trying to send OJ Simpson to kill me!”

    Can’t Take The Heat, No Daughter Of Mine

    | Massachusetts, USA | Family & Kids

    (I’m working in a very specialized area of our store where we make wax models out of our customer’s hands.)

    Me: “It’s a little intense for smaller kids, as it’s kind of hot.”

    Customer: “My daughter can handle it. She’ll be fine.”

    (I begin the process of making the model of the little girl’s hand. She begins to cry.)

    Me: “You’re doing fine. We’re halfway done.”

    Daughter: “But it’s hot!”

    Customer: “Oh, suck it up, you’ll be fine!”

    Takes One To Call One

    | Manhattan, NY, USA | Technology

    (I am taking calls on Thanksgiving day.)

    Customer: “Wow! A real person!”

    Me: “Yes, sir! We’re staffed 24/7/365!”

    Customer: “They make you guys work holidays. That’s terrible! Why would they do that?”

    Me: *smiling to myself* “In case someone calls in for help.”

    Customer: “What kind of work-a-holic would call in on a holiday?”

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