Customer: “I need some help over here!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, how can I help you?”

Customer: “This salt is too salty!”

Me: “But it’s salt, ma’am.”

Customer: “I don’t care! It’s too salty! You need to bring me a different shaker!”

(I proceed to bring her another shaker, which is no different than the first.)

Customer: “That’s better! Thank you!”

(At the doggie daycare, one of the play rooms has a glass window where customers can watch the dogs playing. We have a three-legged dog that is a daily regular in this playroom. I am working at the front desk. A customer, looking somewhat distressed, approaches the desk with a small child, who looks very distressed.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “I was wondering if you could remove that three-legged dog from the playroom for just a few minutes. My daughter wants to watch the dogs, but the three-legged one is freaking her out.”

Me: “I…I’m sorry ma’am, but we cannot remove her. She is a regular here and she is getting along well with the other dogs. Her owner has paid us to let her play in there. We will not remove her because someone feels uncomfortable with her appearance.”

Customer: “Fine. I guess you all don’t care about your customers after all!” *huffs off*

Me: *speechless*

(I am working at the security entrance of the airport. Baggage carts are not allowed into the gate area. I see a gentleman approaching with a cart and it doesn’t look like he is about to store it in the rack. Sure enough, he comes up to the entrance with his cart.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but the cart is not allowed in the secure area. Please put it in the rack provided.”

Passenger: “Well, there’s no sign.”

(I point to one of the two signs framing our door clearly depicting a cart with a red circle and line running through it, indicating the cart was banned.)

Passenger: “Well, it’s not in English!”

Me: “Sir, it’s a pictograph. It’s supposed to be easily recognized and understood no matter what language you speak.”

Passenger: “IT’S STILL NOT IN ENGLISH!”

(People have all sorts of names for the sides, or temples, of spectacle frames. I have heard them called “legs”, “props”, “wings”, and “crutches”, among other things. A very strident woman marches into our practice with her teenage daughter in tow.)

Customer: *loudly* “I want you to spread my daughter’s legs. They won’t go behind her ears.”

Me: *speechless*

Customer’s daughter: *speechless and cringing with embarrassment*

Related:
The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 4
The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 3
The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 2
The Horrors Of Mispronunciation

(In our store is a small deli that I work at. A man comes up, orders some ham, and converses with me as I prepare it for him.)

Customer: “Are you in college?”

Me: “Yes, actually, this job helps me pay for it.”

Customer: “What are you studying? Nursing?”

Me: “English, actually.”

Customer: “That’s no good. All the smartest women have been going into nursing or medicine or fields like that. You won’t get any money studying English.”

Me: “Um, I sure hope not, but I’ll see. I’m only a freshman after all. I may change majors.”

(I try to turn back to my work, a little embarrassed, but he keeps talking.)

Customer: “Yep, my daughter went into nursing after I insisted she study it. She even worked as a doctor’s assistant for six months!”

Me: “That’s good to hear. Is she still in school?”

Customer: “No, she actually dropped out right after that and has some bad drug issues right now, but I don’t think it’ll last long.”

Me: *shocked* “Oh…well…I hope she recovers soon.”

Customer: “It’s not a problem. She’ll be a nurse if I have any say about it. And I hope you reconsider too!”

(I work at a call center as a customer service representative for prepaid debit cards, payroll cards and rewards cards.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [company]. My name is Jordan. May I have your card number, please?”

Customer: “Jordan, huh? Like the river?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “Well, in that case, I’d love to take a swim in your river, honey.”

Me: “Sir?”

Customer: “Please, you don’t have to call me sir. Call me [first name].”

Me: “Alright, [first name].”

Customer: “Oh, I love the way you say my name. Could you say it again?”

Me: “I beg your pardon? Is there anything I can do for you today?”

Customer: “No, Jordan. I’m fine.”

Me: “Okay. Well, thank you for calling [company] and you enjoy your day, sir.”

Customer: “Now, Jordan, what did I say about that?”

Me: “I’m sorry. I meant [first name].”

Customer: “There we go. Thank you, Jordan. Bye bye, now!”

(I work retail and I am leading a customer to the fitting room. I usually end up walking in front of customers on the way to the back of the store and this is the conversation that takes place.)

Customer: “May I ask you a personal question?”

Me: “Uh, yeah, I guess.”

Customer: “Is your butt fake?”

Me: “Excuse me?!”

Customer: “Your butt. Are you wearing padded underwear or do you have implants?”

Me: “Wow…no. My butt is real, ma’am.”

Customer: “I was just wondering, because it seems too big and perfect to be real! You go girl!”

Me: “Thanks…”

(I am a waiter in a sushi bar in Iowa.)

Customer: “Do you guys catch your own fish?”