(I’ve been hired by a software company to phone up their customers and get feedback on their help desk service.)

Me: “On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being ‘poor’ and 10 being ‘excellent’, how would you rate the overall service of the help desk?”

Customer: “Phew…I’m not sure. I mean, it’s really good.”

Me: “I understand it’s a tricky question, but if you had to put a number to it?”

Customer: “Well, I mean, it’s sort of in between a 8 and a 10, really.”

Me: “So, a 9?”

Customer: “Well, I suppose so.”

(We are having a sale where if you buy any one of a certain set of DVDs or CDs you get a music sampler for free. The customer I’m ringing up has one such item. I grab the music sampler, explain that she gets it for free today, scan it, and place it in her bag.)

Customer: “Hold on! That isn’t free! You scanned it. You scanned it and your computer went beep! You’re charging me for it!”

Me: “We have to scan the free items so that we can keep track of our inventory, but it rings up as zero.”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me! It went beep! Take it off! I don’t want it if you’re going to charge me!”

(I turn my computer screen around so that she can see it and point to the title of the music sampler and its price.)

Me: “See? It rang up zero. I just have to scan it so that we can keep track if how many we sell.”

Customer: “But it beeped! You b****, don’t lie to me! That’s unchristian! I’m never shopping at this store again!”

(She snatches up her keys and stomps out of the store without buying anything.)

(The customer orders a latte at 190 degrees.)

Me: “Here is your latte at 190 degrees.”

Customer: “Holy crap! Why is this so hot?”

Me: “Well, we normally make our drinks at 160 degrees.”

Customer: “But I asked for 190 degrees.”

Me: “Right. I made it at 190 degrees. Would you like me to remake it at a cooler temperature?”

Customer: “Well, I DID ask for it to be 190 degrees NOT 160 degrees.”

Me: “Ma’am, a 190 degree latte is hotter than a 160 degree latte. Can I remake it for you at a cooler temperature?”

Customer: “No, I asked for 190 degrees! It’s too hot!”

Me: “Ma’am,I did make it at 190 degrees. That’s thirty degrees hotter than our normal temperature.”

Customer: “Whatever, can I just get a cup sleeve?”

Me: “There’s already a cup sleeve on it…only one will fit–”

Customer: “Just give me another sleeve.”

(I give her the other cup sleeve. She tries to slip it on, gets annoyed when she fails, and throws the sleeve across our counter.)

Customer: “Cheap labor is so useless!” *storms off*

(I volunteer at a theater where a lot of Broadway national tours come through. The show “Jersey Boys” is at the theater for a few weeks. Also, there is a symphony going on at the other theater in the building. I’m taking tickets for Jersey Boys when an elderly patron approaches me.)

Me: “Are you here for the symphony or the musical?”

Patron: “Yeah, uh, Jersey Shore?”

Me: “Do you mean Jersey Boys?”

Patron: “Yeah, that one.”

(After staring at the menu displayed above the counter, a man finally approaches me to place an order.)

Customer: “I’d like the large popcorn chicken.”

Me: *thinking I’ve misheard him* “I’m sorry, sir, what was that?”

Customer: “The large popcorn chicken.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t have popcorn chicken here.”

(He steps back to examine the large menu, complete with pictures, once again. He takes a minute or two before stepping forward again.)

Customer: “Can I get a half dozen drumsticks and some mashed potatoes?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t have any of those either.”

(He steps back again, and looks up at the menu again, as I wait, rather perplexed. He seems to finally realize what he’s looking at.)

Customer: “This is McDonalds, isn’t it?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “Oh.” *leaves looking embarrassed*

(This museum has a large Titanic exhibit. Many of the rescued survivors were brought to Halifax after the ship sank. Many of the recovered bodies of the vicitms are buried here as well. A tourist approaches me.)

Tourist: “So, is Leonardo Di Caprio buried upstairs?”

(I work at the main information desk in a bookstore that has four levels. When a customer asks for a book, we are supposed to direct them to the appropriate floor.)

Me: “Okay, we should have that title. It’ll be on the fourth floor.”

Customer: *looking confused* “What?”

Me: “The fourth floor. There’s another information desk up there if you need help finding the section.”

Customer: “So, how many floors should I go up?”

Me: “Um, three.”

Customer: “Okay. So it’s the fourth floor I’m looking for?”

Me: “Yes. It’s the highest floor we have, so just take the escalator up as far as you can.”

Customer: “What’s an escalator?!”

(A customer is browsing around in the store.)

Me: “Hi, are you finding everything all right?”

Customer: “Am I finding everything all right?! What kind of a stupid question is that?”

Me: *speechless* “Um–”

Customer: “You know, I’ve always hated that question! I wish I could just find the son of a b**** who started that asking that question!”

Me: *mouth open, about to say something*

Customer: “What you’re supposed to ask is, ‘Hello sir, is there anything I could help you find?’”

Me: *about to do as he says*

Customer: “‘Am I finding everything all right?!’ That’s like asking me ‘How’s my life?’ How’s your life? Found everything you’re looking for? Are you happy with your life?”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: “Of course not!”

(There’s an awkward silence as I try to figure out what to say to him.)

Customer: “Spread the word!” *exits the store*

Me: forced smile* “Thank you, enjoy the rest of your day!”