(I am working at the counter of a slushie shop in our mall.)

Me: “What’s all the hustle about out there?”

Customer: “Oh, they brought in the coolest thing this morning. It’s a hurricane stimulator!”

Me: “A stimulator?”

Customer: “Yes, it stimulates hurricanes! You have to try it out.”

Me: “I’ll be sure to do that. Have a nice day!”

Customer: “Oh, I will! That hurricane stimulated me to the max!”

Customer: “I just want a 2x4x20, please.”

Me: “Sorry, sir, we don’t stock 2x4x20′s, but I can sell you a couple 10 foot pieces. That still covers the footage if you can make that work.”

Customer: *completely serious* “Ah! No, kid, it doesn’t work like that! What I will do, though, is take two 10 foot pieces.”

Me: “Brilliant idea, sir.”

Me: “Thank you for calling [cable company], this is [name]. How may I help you today?”

Caller: “Do you speak English?”

Me: “Yes, I do. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Are you in Ermurica?”

Me: “Yes, I am in America.”

Caller: “You don’t sound like you’re an Ermurican. You sure you’re not in some Middle Eastern country like Australia?”

(Note: I am a caucasian male from Minnesota and I speak like one.)

Me: “No, I am in Minnesota, sir, speaking English. Is there an issue with your cable, or do you have–”

Caller: “Minnesota?! How is that Ermurican?” *hangs up*

(A male customer in his late twenties, who I recognize as one of our regulars, enters the store flamboyantly. He is usually a very high-energy person, so this is nothing out of the ordinary.)

Me: “What’s up, [customer]?”

(He walks up to the counter and slams a huge wad of American money down in front of me.)

Customer: “Guess how much is there. If you guess right, you can have it.”

Me: “Uh…$3500?”

Customer: “Nope! It was $2500! You were close though!”

(All of the sudden, I smell the distinct scent of weed. I realize he’s totally high.)

Me: *trying not to laugh* “So, what are you doing with all that money?”

Customer: “I’m going to Vegas, baby! Also, I need to pick up that fax you got for me.”

(I retrieve the fax. As I’m doing so, an elderly woman walks into the store. My manager comes out to help her at the other end of the counter.)

Customer: “Okay, thanks! I have to leave now. I need to get all the way to the airport!”

Me: “All right, then. Have a good time in Vegas.”

(He walks out, then comes back in a second later as he’s forgotten his car keys on the counter. As he’s leaving again, he stops in front of the door and turns back to face us.)

Customer: “Woo! I’m going to get herpes!”

(The church I work at often gets people from the local community asking for financial aid. In order to help us best assess their need we require them to fill out an informational form.)

Me: “Good morning, [church name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “‘Till when is the office open? I need to come in and fill out one of those Bolivian forms.”

Me: “I’m sorry, a Bolivian form? Do you maybe mean a form for our upcoming India trip?”

Caller: “No, [pastor] told me to come in to fill out a Bolivian form.”

Me: “Oh! A benevolent form!”

Caller: “That’s what I said, a Bolivian form!”

Customer: “I’d like a kid’s bean and cheese burrito.”

Me: “Alright, would you like a fountain drink, juice, or milk?”

Customer: *turns to her child* “Okay, do you want soda or juice?”

Customer’s daughter: “I just want water.”

Customer: “But soda’s better for you!”

Related:
Water You, Stupid, Part 4
Water You, Stupid, Part 3
Water You, Stupid, Part 2
Water You, Stupid

(A woman comes into the store and walks up to the clerk.)

Customer: “Some lady parked wrong and is blocking all of the traffic in the parking lot.”

Me: “Did you see her come into this store?”

Customer: “No, I didn’t see her at all.”

Me: “Then, how do you know that it was a woman?”

Customer: “Because women always do things wrong.”

(The woman in line behind her gasps at this.)

Customer: “Well, that’s what my husband tells me.”

(I’m a checkout assistant at a supermarket working the night of Halloween. A teenager and his girlfriend come to the checkout at about 8pm with three dozen eggs.)

Me: “You’re not the ones who have been egging people in the carpark, are you?”

Customer: “Uh, no. We, um, just want to make an omelette.”

Me: “You’re making a thirty-six egg omelette? How big is your frying pan?”

Customer: “S***.” *runs out of the store*