(I am asking if a customer would like to get our discount card. She agrees and then starts to fill out the information.)

Me: “What is your name, ma’am?”

Customer: “I don’t want any of my information in the BEAST!”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Customer: “The beast is a 6 foot wide computer in Berlin.”

(My coworker walks out of the break room to see what the commotion is about. The customer sees him and turns to address him.)

Customer: “Did you know IBM kept the registry for all of the Jews in the Holocaust?!”

(My coworker and I just stand there in silence and I continue ringing though the transaction.)

Customer: “Facebook is going to be the end of us!”

(She then pays and we think she’s leaving and everything is fine. Suddenly, as she is walking out of the store, she turns around and screams.)

Customer: “Canada is in GRAVE danger! To be forewarned is to be forearmed!”

(I’m serving a lady who has come in with her to grandsons. While they are waiting for their food to come from the
kitchen, she flags me down.)

Customer: “Excuse me, could I have another glass of water?”

Me: “Sure! I’ll bring that right over for you.”

(I walk over to the waitress’ station, get her a glass of water, and bring it back.)

Customer: *in a creepy, fake child’s voice* “Thank you, mommy!”

(I walk away as quickly as possible. Even her grandsons look confused. For the rest of the night, though, she acts completely normal, as if nothing happened.)

(I am standing at the door greeting customers. An elderly gentleman is waiting to get in as I answer a question for the customer ahead. I have already checked his membership card.)

Me: “You can go on in, hon. I’ve already seen your card.”

(The man continues to stand there while I speak with another customer.)

Me: “Did you need anything, sir?”

Customer: “No, but you called me hon, so I thought I might stick around a while…”

(Our college has students of all ages in attendance. Sometimes, the older ones need a little more guidance with using technology. Today, an older gentleman approaches my help desk brandishing several handwritten sheets of lined paper.)

Student: “My teacher says I need to type this.”

Me: “Okay! Well, I think the best program is Word. Just double-click on that blue “W” right there.”

(The student pokes the monitor’s screen with his index finger.)

Me: “Ah, well, actually, we don’t have touchscreens. You have to use the mouse. See?”

(I gesture to the mouse.)

Student: “Oh, okay.”

(He picks up mouse, places it on the monitor screen and clicks. The he looks at me expectantly.)

Me: “Er, well, you have to use it on the mouse pad.”

(I take the mouse and put it back on the mouse pad. Then I show him that when moving the mouse, the cursor on the screen moves.)

Student: “It’s not working very well. Maybe you guys didn’t feed it enough.”

(I am working one day when this rather angry guy comes up to me and bangs his phone down on the counter.)

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “My phone stopped working and it wont turn on.”

(I fiddle around with the phone a bit. Then, I plug the phone into a charger and voila, the phone turns on.)

Me: “Sir, did you charge the battery on the phone?”

Customer: “What do you mean did I charge the phone? No one told me that I would have to use my electricity to use this phone. I thought it had a battery!”

Me: “Sir, all mobile phones have chargeable batteries. It’s standard. They need to be charged for a few hours every couple of days.”

Customer: “That’s a disgrace. How can you expect people to use their electricity to use the phone?!” *grabs his phone and storms out*

Related:
We Call Them Magic Voice Boxes

(I am working at a call center offering tech support for an American cell phone company’s website.)

Caller: “Your website is broken!”

Me: “Alright, ma’am, we can do some troubleshooting. First, what browser are you using?”

Caller: “What’s a browser?”

Me: “You know, Firefox, Chrome, Safari–”

Caller: “Oh, no, no, no! I only use the good old American Explorer!”

Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [company]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I was wondering if I can get my customer account number? I seem to have lost it.”

Me: “Not a problem. I just need to ask you a few questions to verify your identity. What is your full name?”

(The customer gives me his first and last name. I find him in the system, but I require him to state his full name with first, second, and last name. At this point, I notice that his second name is a bit…unusual.)

Me: *trying not to giggle* “I’m sorry, but I will require your full name, your first, second, and last name.”

Customer: “Really? Haha, but I was drunk when I registered. Do I really have to say it? You can see it right there. Surely, I don’t need to say it out loud?”

Me: “Yes, I can see it. It certainly helps in the identification process, which is why I need you to say it for me.”

Customer: “All right. Okay, my name is [first name] buttmonkey [last name].”

Me: “Thank you–”

Customer: “I really need to net nanny the Internet when I drink.”

(This takes place when I am hosting a release party for one of the Harry Potter books. As kids come in, we “sort” them into a Hogwarts house by having them choose a sticker from a sorting hat.)

Me: “Welcome! Would you like to get sorted into a Hogwarts House?”

(The daughter of a customer reaches into the hat and pulls her hand out to reveal a Ravenclaw sticker.)

Customer: “Ravenclaw?! Hey, buddy, she really wanted Gryffindor. Let her pick again.”

Me: “Sorry, sir. All the Sorting Hat’s decisions are final.”

Customer: “Just give her a Gryffindor sticker!”

Me: “I don’t think that would be fair. All the other kids picked and stuck with their choice. And we’re actually getting ready to start an activity for the Ravenclaw kids, so–”

Customer: “No daughter of mine is getting stuck with those weird Ravenclaw kids! She’s clearly a Gryffindor!”

Daughter: “Actually, Daddy, I like Ravenclaw. That’s where all the smart kids go!”

Customer: “Screw that! Who wants to hang out with the nerds? Give her a Gryffindor sticker!”

Me: “Okay, here you go!”

Customer: “Finally! I’m going to talk to the manager about you.”

(As they walk away the customer loudly teases his daughter for wanting to live with the smart kids. He did complain to my manager, but we just had a good laugh about it afterwards.)