(I’m organizing papers for auditions when a little girl and her mom comes in. The little girl leans over my desk and starts talking to me.)

Girl: “Santa Claus doesn’t exist.”

Me: “Why do you think that?”

Girl: “Because my toys say they’re made in China! That’s not the North Pole!”

(The little girl runs off with a disappointed look on her face. The mom looks over at me.)

Mom: “Just wait ’til she hears about the tooth fairy. She’ll be devastated!”*walks away with a grin on her face*

(I am working the fitting room on a particularly busy day. Our store is pretty small, but many customers bring in their giant shopping carts in from the store next to us. A particular woman has parked her cart right in the middle of the entrance to the fitting room. A man is waiting for his wife and notices the cart.)

Customer: “Whose cart is that?”

Me: “Another customer’s, I believe.”

Customer: “That shouldn’t be there. I work construction. That’s a fire hazard!”

Me: “I don’t disagree, sir, but unfortunately I’m not allowed to ban carts from the store. I also don’t know who it belongs to.”

(At this point, the cart’s owner’s kids start trying to play on the cart, running into me, the racks of clothes and the walls. I try to get them to stop, but they don’t listen.)

Customer: “Man, that sucks. Can I say something? Because that’s just f***ing rude!”

Me: *laughing* “Sir, I can’t, but feel free to talk to her if you want.”

Customer: “Damn straight! I’m going to tell that b**** to move her d*** cart!”

Me: *laughs* “Good luck with that, sir.”

(I’m giving a jobseeker the email address of our recruiter. Note that this jobseeker is male.)

Me: “That’s L, V as in Victor, E as in echo.”

(He repeats the email address back to me.)

Caller: “That’s L as in love, V as in valentine, E as in Edward, and S as in Sam.”

Me: “Um, yeah.”

Related:
Less Twilight, More Daylight, Part 3
Less Twilight, More Daylight, Part 2
Less Twilight, More Daylight

(I am making casual conversation with a pleasant customer, who is however, somewhat odd. At some point, a coworker of mine joins the conversation.)

Customer: “Hey, those shirts look kinda tight on you guys.”

Me: “Yeah, the green sizes run smaller than the blue ones, I think.”

(The customer points to my coworker.)

Customer: “Yeah, her shirt is like, vagina-ing open on her chest.”

Caller: “I notice on your website that you show [kid's movie] at midnight.”

Me: “Yes ma’am, that is correct.”

Caller: “Why would you do that? No little kid is going to see that movie at midnight!”

Me: “Ma’am, we have midnight showings for all movies, no matter the intended audience.”

Caller: “Well, how am I supposed to bring my kids to a midnight showing? This is a formal complaint and I would like to speak to your manager.”

Me: “Just one second, ma’am, I will send you to a manager.”

(I connect the caller with a manager.)

Caller: “How the h*** am I supposed to take my kids to see this movie if it only shows at midnight?”

Manager: “Ma’am, that is just the day before it is released. It will show many other days at normal times.”

Caller: “Well, why didn’t anybody ever tell me that?!”

(I’m working at the concession stand. A woman and her grandson walk up to my register.)

Customer: “One bag of M&Ms and a drink.”

Me: “Would you like plain, peanut, or peanut butter?”

Customer: “Plain! He can’t have peanuts, he’s very allergic.”

(The transaction continues as normal, and they purchase popcorn, which is commonly made with peanut oil at other theaters.)

Me: “Just so you know, our popcorn is made with coconut oil instead of peanut oil, so he can eat that.”

Customer: *stops dead in her tracks* “No! Coco-NUT! It’s a nut. He can’t eat it.”

(I can’t manage a response before she walks off with her grandson.)

Manager: *walks over, laughing* “Did that really just happen?”

(On a sign advertising our new coconut flavored drink, the picture of the cup has “add aloha” in the custom box.)

Me: “Good afternoon, what can I make for you today?”

Customer: “Hi, yeah, um… can I get a mocha…no, wait…caramel frap? And will you add aloha?”

Me: “Okay, so a caramel frappuccino…but what is aloha?”

Customer: “I don’t know. It’s on the sign out here.”

Me: “Oh! Yeah, that’s just advertising for our new coconut flavor. It’s just saying you can add the flavor of the tropics, like Hawaii, you know?”

Customer: “Oh, okay. That’s all then.”

(I work in a very large retailer in the sporting goods dept. The day of my four-year mark last September, I get this call.)

Me: “Sporting goods, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need to check to see if you have this particular scooter in stock.”

Me: “What kind of scooter?”

Customer: “It’s a Razor. I think it’s a blue one. Your website says it’s $197. I want to see if you have it.”

Me: “Let me check. Hold on.

(I place customer on hold and go check our stock.)

Me: “Yeah, we have two. One has a speed of 10 MPH and that one is like an old foot powered scooter with an electric motor. We also have a European styled-scooter with a speed of 15 MPH.”

Customer: “Mmmm, okay, does the 15 MPH scooter go faster than the 10MPH scooter?”

Me: “Um, yeah. That kinda tends to happen.”

Customer: “So that’s faster, right?”

Me: “Yeah, it is faster.”

Customer: “Ok, yeah. Thanks!”