(I have been troubleshooting this customer’s cable for a while now. Finally, after getting his TV on the proper input, this happens.)

Me: “Sir, does the little red light on the remote blink when you press a button on the remote?”

Customer: “Err…no?”

Me: “Okay, sir, that means the batteries in the remote are dead.”

Customer: “What? That’s terrible! They can die?”

(A customer approaches one of the security guards.)

Customer: “Your escalators are broken.”

Security: “What do you mean by broken?”

Customer: “They aren’t moving.”

Security: “Okay. Which one is it?”

(The customer leads the security guard to the “escalator” and stands on the top step.)

Customer: “See, broken.”

Security: “Sir, those are stairs.”

Customer: “See that man over there? His name is Jim. I just met him and he’s paying for all my stuff.”

Me: “Okay.”

Customer: “My mom always told me to find a rich man to take care of me. Do you have a rich man taking care of you?”

Me: “Um…no.”

Customer: “Sweetie, you need to get yourself one while you’re still young.”

(This is my first job. A customer walks up to my register to check out his items. However, my register is malfunctioning and I can not scan more than 15 items.)

Customer: “Hello there, young’un. Just these for me today.”

Me: “I do apologize sir, but I cannot scan more than 15 items today.”

(I turn my head to see if there is another register open when I feel a hard pull on my collar. Suddenly, the customer pulls me over the register.)

Customer: “I’ll teach you to disrespect your elders!”

(He starts spanking me with his cane right by my aisle in view of my manager.)

Manager: “I’d stop this, but it is really entertaining.”