Me: “How may I help you?”

Customer: “I need a very fine grit sandpaper.”

Me: “Here you go.”

Customer: “Thanks! This will be perfect for my teeth!”

(I am helping a customer when a red-faced older man walks up and slaps the counter.)

Customer: “Why does [store] have illegals working here?! This is America!”

Me: “Sir, I’m not sure what you’re talking about. If you can just calm down–”

Customer: “Don’t you tell me to calm down! I fought for this country! I didn’t fight so that a bunch Mexicans could take over our country. You need to have someone here who speaks English in [department]!”

Me: “Sir, your language and comments are offensive to me, and I would like you to not speak to me again. I will be happy to get a manager for you, though.”

Customer: “F***ing Mexican lover!”

Customer, to his companion: “Let’s get out of here! Now!”

(I walk over to the department he was referencing. However, the only person there is a customer who just happens to be wearing something similar to our uniform. She smiles at me and says, in perfect English, “I really pissed him off, didn’t I?”)

Guest: “I think my room might be haunted.”

Me: “Excuse…me?”

Guest: “It’s haunted. Can I move to a new room?”

Me: “Um, yes. I can do that for you.”

Guest: “Could you check the new room first? Make sure there is no bad energy?”

Me: “I can try, sir…”

(A little boy is wandering around unattended, touching all the TVs.)

Me: “Where’s your mom or dad?”

Boy: “Well, my mom’s over there.” *points to mother*

Me: “Okay, why don’t you go over to her?”

Boy: “Yeah, sure. By the way, I don’t know who my dad is. My mom was a hooker.”

(We sell, among other things, cards for a popular trading card game. A customer walks in, walks directly to the counter, and pulls a few cards out of his pocket.)

Customer: “I’d like to purchase these, please.”

Me: “I’m sorry, purchase? Don’t you mean sell?”

Customer: “Yeah, I didn’t have the money at the time. However, I didn’t want anybody else to get them, so I just left with them. I’d like to pay for them now, thanks.”

Customer: “I need help, anyone!”

Me: *rushing over* “What seems to be the problem, sir?”

Customer: “That TV is showing bad things!”

(The TV in question is playing movie trailers on loop.)

Me: “Which trailer did you find offensive?”

Customer: “The one with the girl that is saying the girl is perfect! Nobody’s perfect!”

(At that moment, a trailer for a new Barbie movie comes on.)

Customer: *screaming* “That’s the bad movie!”

(It has been a quiet morning but the store has been filling up and it is very loud. My ears haven’t quite adjusted yet.)

Me: “Hi, how are you?”

(I begin scanning and bagging her items.)

Customer: *mumbling*

Me: “Did you find everything okay?”

(The customer mumbles, and then begins singing something unintelligible. We play music in the store, so I thought she was singing along.)

Customer: *gradually increasing in volume* “No bag…no bag…NO bag…NO BAG!”

Me: “I’m sorry, are you singing, ‘No bag’?”

Customer: “Well, I told you a couple of times, but you went ahead and started bagging, so I decided to sing it!”

Me: “Hi, this is [computer repair]. How may I help you today?”

Customer: “Hi, I think there’s a problem with my computer. I was online and lots of windows starting popping up. Then, it locked up and I couldn’t do anything.”

Me: “That sounds like it has a virus. Just don’t touch it. Bring it in, and we’ll take a look at it, okay?”

Customer: “Oh no! I’ll be down shortly.”

(About thirty minutes later, a woman comes in with a disgusted and terrified look on her face. She is carrying her computer in a black trash bag.)

Customer: *hands me bag with outstretched hands* “Here, take it!”

Me: “Why is it in a black trash bag?”

Customer: “I didn’t want to catch the virus!”