Me: “Can I help?”

Customer: “I want a refund on this instant barbecue. It’s no good.”

Me: “I’m sorry about that, sir. What’s the problem?”

Customer: “The picture on the front shows meat on the grill, but there’s no meat inside this box.”

(I am dumbfounded, but I don’t argue. The shop has a ‘no-quibble’ returns policy.)

Me: “Well, I can refund that for you sir. Do you have a receipt?”

(The customer hands over receipt.)

Me: “I can see you bought three of these barbecues, sir. Where are the other two?”

Customer: “At home in the freezer.”

(I am walking the store. I see a woman digging through our curtain panels.)

Me: “Can I help you find something?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for more of these curtains. You had them the other day, and I came back today to buy them.”

(She shows me a curtain. I realize she’s in the wrong section.)

Me: “Oh, okay. Those are actually over here.”

(I lead her over to where the panels should be, but the space is empty.)

Me: “I’m sorry, it looks like we’re out of stock. I can check the computer to be sure, but it looks like somebody else bought them.”

Customer: “No, nobody could have bought them.”

(She goes back to digging through the shelves.)

Me: “They wouldn’t be over there, though. If we had them in stock, they would be right here.”

Customer: “No, they wouldn’t. The other day when I was in here I hid them so no one else would buy them.”

Me: “You hid the panels?”

Customer: “Yes. So, can you help me find them?”

Me: “This undergarment style has been discontinued. These are the last two.”

Customer: “You only have two?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “You’re telling me that until Jesus comes, these are the only bras I can wear?!”

Me: “…yes.”

Customer: “Can you tell me which milk is full fat, please?”

Me: “Of course. It’s this one with the blue lid.”

Customer: “But that says 4%. I don’t want 4%. I want full fat.”

Me: “The 4% means that 4% of the milk is fat, which is all of the fat milk has in it to begin with.”

Customer: “But I want full fat milk, not 4%.”

Me: “If it was 100%, then it would just be a bottle of fat, sir.”

Customer: “I don’t understand all this new healthy stuff…”

Me: “Hello. This is [station]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I live in a condo, and there is a leak in the pipes. Water is leaking behind the living room wall and building management won’t fix it.”

Me: “Okay. Why are you calling the police?”

Caller: “Well, it’s an emergency. They won’t fix it. They say it’s my problem because the leak is in my unit.”

Me: “Have you called a plumber?”

Caller: “No. It’s an emergency. That’s why I called you. If the water keeps leaking, the ceiling could fall in.”

Me: “Ma’am, if you think the ceiling is going to fall in, leave your unit and call a plumber.”

Caller: “But I need help now!”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s your choice. If you think you’re in danger, leave your unit. Unless you’re being crushed by falling sheet rock, this is not a police matter. Please hang up and call a plumber.”

Caller: “So, if the ceiling falls on me, I can call you back?”

Me: “Yes.”

Caller: “Okay, thanks.” *click*

Customer: “Can I get forty cents worth of Chicos?”

Me: “Sure.”

(I start putting gloves on.)

Customer: “Oh, you don’t need to put gloves on.”

Me: “Are you sure?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’m sure you don’t pick your nose anymore than I do.”

Caller: “Are you going out of business?”

Me: “No, ma’am. But we are just about to merge with another large bank. Maybe that’s what you’re referring to?”

Caller: “No, no. I need to know are you going out of business. Is [bank] going bankrupt? Because if so, I need to take all my money out before that happens!”

Me: “I can assure you, ma’am, we’re not. [Bank] is actually doing very well at the moment. Can I ask what gave you that impression?”

Caller: “I went to withdraw funds at your ATM late last night, and it said I couldn’t get any money!”

Me: “Oh wait, the ATM in our drive-thru? That ATM actually did run out of money last night, but we refilled it this morning.”

Caller: “I knew it! You are running out of money! I need to come in and close my accounts right away!”

Me: “I think you misunderstood. We had an unusual amount of withdrawals at that ATM last night, so it ran out of $20s to give out. The bank itself is fine.”

Caller: “You can’t backtrack and fool me! I’m coming in later today to speak with your manager and close out all of my accounts!”

Customer: *holding a bottle of wine* “Are you old enough to sell me this?”

Me: “Yes, I am.”

(I reach out to take the bottle, but he refuses to hand it to me.)

Customer: “Are you sure that you’re old enough?”

Me: “Yes. I wouldn’t be a cashier otherwise. I’m pretty sure you only have to be eighteen.”

Customer: “Are you eighteen?”

Me: “Nineteen, yes. Would you like me to sell you it?”

(The customer finally releases his hold on the wine. I begin to scan.)

Customer: “Are you sure you’re allowed to? You look pretty young.”

Me: “I’m old enough.”

Customer: “Do I get a discount for calling you young?”