(Keep in mind that I’m wearing a black shirt.)

Customer: “I have a question. Can you help me?”

Me: “I’ll try, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well, do you carry any construction paper?”

Me: “Yes, we do. It is right this way, if you would follow me.”

(We walk to the aisle.)

Customer: “Do you have any dark paper, though?”

Me: “Yes, we do. What color of dark paper are you looking for?”

(The customer looks at me like I’m a moron.)

Customer: “Dark paper! Like your shirt!”

Me: “Oh, you mean black.”

Customer: *gasps* “I’m sorry, but I can not believe you would say that! I feel that word is just so offensive to the colored community!”

(The customer storms out of the building, muttering about racists. The customer is white.)

(We offer third party services to obtain home loan modifications.)

Me: “Hello. Please be advised that during the loss mitigation solution, we will be requesting updated financials.”

Client: “Loss…migration solution?”

Me: “No. Loss mitigation solution.”

Client: “Loss m… miti… mitigigration?”

Me: “No, ma’am. Loss mitigation. Spelt m, i, t-”

Client: “Well, whatever it is. Yeah, I’ll get the stuff for you for the migration solution.” *pauses* “Oh, d***! You know, that ‘M’ word.”

(The customer is a middle-aged male, wearing a tweed jacket and thick glasses. He’s buying all of the ‘Twilight’ books.)

Me: “Did you find everything you were looking for?”

Customer: “Yes, unfortunately. I’m really not looking forward to reading these.”

Me: “Oh, why not?”

Customer: “Well, I’m an English professor. Every time I reference low forms of literature, I always use Twilight as the example. Today a student asked if I’ve actually read them, and I had to say no. They demanded that I do.”

(He hangs his head in shame.)

Related:
The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 3
The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 2
The Twilight Of Our Literacy

(I am organizing my area of the store when a customer and her young daughter come in.)

Girl: “Mommy, why can’t I marry my cousin?”

Mother: “Because you’re too closely blood related.”

Girl: “What’s ‘blood related’?”

Mother: “It means if you had a baby together, it might come out with a deformity. You know…like having two arms.”

Me: “Welcome to *** Airlines. How can I help today?”

Caller: “I need to book a ticket for my husband for May 3rd, from Tampa to Grand Rapids, Michigan.”

Me: “Thanks. Would he prefer morning, afternoon, or evening flights?”

Caller: “What does that mean?”

Me: “The morning flight leaves in the morning, at 6:45 am. The afternoon flight leaves at 1:20 pm in the afternoon. The evening flight leaves at 6:25 pm.”

Caller: “Can he get there in time?”

Me: “I don’t know, ma’am. That depends on where he’s leaving from, and how far he has to drive to the airport.”

Caller: “Oh. And those are all on May 3rd?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Caller: “My doctor’s inducing my labor on May 2nd. Will he get here in time?”

Me: “I really don’t know how long your labor will last, ma’am. That’s something you should probably consult your doctor about.”

Caller: “But is May 2nd the same day?”

Me: *baffled* “The same day as…?”

Caller: “The same day as May 3rd!”

Me: “No, ma’am. May 3rd is the day after May 2nd.”

Caller: “But what if it’s 5 in the morning?”

Me: “It’s either 5 in the morning on May 2nd, or 5 in the morning on May 3rd.”

Caller: “But is it the same day?”

Me: “Maybe you should have your husband call to book his own flight, because he’ll know how long it takes to get to the airport.”

Caller: “That’s a good idea. Should he book it for May 2nd or May 3rd?”

Me: “You should probably ask your doctor first.”

Caller: “I guess. You people make it so complicated to buy a ticket!”

(I’m standing at my register. A customer walks up while talking on her cell phone. I smile at her and start ringing up her order.)

Me: “Would you like a box?”

(The customer is still talking on cell phone and doesn’t answer. I start packing her order in a box anyway.)

Me: “That’ll be [total].”

(She hands me a check, but is still talking on her cell phone. I put it through the check printer for her.)

Me: “Okay, I just need to write your phone number on the check.”

Customer: *dead pan, and still on her phone* “I don’t have one.”

*extended pause*

Me: “Okay, I’ll just put ‘unlisted’.”

(I’m taking a to-go order over the phone. The customer is ordering a couple of well done steaks.)

Customer: “Okay. On those steaks, I want them to be cut through all the way to the bone on both sides. I want to make sure that they are cooked all the way through. There can’t be any pink.”

Me: “Okay.”

Customer: “Make sure they do that. They didn’t do that last time.”

Me: “Okay, I will tell them.”

Customer: “The reason I need them cut like that is to make sure they’re cooked all the way through. My doctor told me not to eat red meat.”

Customer: “Hi, do you have financing options?”

(I explain the program, and the customer fills out the online form. The site gives an instant decision. She gets declined.)

Customer: “I got declined. I don’t understand why.”

Me: “Well, it has to do with your credit. You’ll receive a packet in the mail within 10 business days explaining exactly why you were declined.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous. Can you help me with this? I think I did something wrong.”

Me: “Well, I wouldn’t apply again. It’s not likely to change and it means that it will run another credit check on you.”

(The customer insists, and begins filling it out with me there overseeing. She gets to the section about annual income and planned purchase amount. She puts $100,000 as her annual salary. Keep in mind, she’s no more than 25.)

Me: “Man, I’m in the wrong business. Can I ask what you do?”

Customer: “Oh. Well, I’m a student. But my dad works on Wall Street.”

Me: “But you make $100,000 per year?”

Customer: “No, my dad does.”

Me: “But, you’re applying for the card in your name. They need your annual income.”

Customer: “Can’t I just use his?”

Me: “No, you can’t. In fact, what you just did is illegal. That’s why you got declined. You’re trying to commit credit fraud.”

Customer: “Oh, I can’t do that?”

Related:
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 13
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 12
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 11