(I am checking out an elderly customer.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am. You’re all set to go. Have a wonderful day!”

Customer: “You too. And keep Jesus close to you. He’s coming back, you know! Coming back to get all of us!”

(A young man and two young women approach the lane with several bottles of wine. They are carded. The man is old enough to buy, but the girls aren’t.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t sell to you.”

Customer: “Why not? I’m over 21!”

Me: “But they’re not.”

Customer: “They’re not the ones buying. I am!”

Me: “Then why did you bring them in with you?”

Customer: “Because I didn’t know what kind they liked.”

Related:
No ID, No Idea, Part 6
No ID, No Idea, Part 5
No ID, No Idea, Part 4
No ID, No Idea, Part 3
No ID, No Idea, Part 2
No ID, No Idea

(I am talking to an older customer. This is a few years ago.)

Customer: “How many Harry Potter movies are out?”

Me: “They just came out with the fourth one. I can’t wait for the next book though.”

Customer: “Oh. Won’t the movie industry be mad that they are making the book before the movie? It will spoil everything.”

Lost customer: “Excuse me, sir. I’m lost. Can you help me, please?”

Me: “Sure. What are you looking for?”

Lost customer: “I’m looking for Milkjer Blvd.”

Me: “I’ve never heard of it.”

Lost customer: “Yeah, it’s a weird spelling. But it’s clearly Milkjer Blvd.”

Me: “Can I see your directions?”

Lost customer: “Sure. See, it’s spelled M-L-K-J-r Blvd.”

(A customer walks over to my counter and asks if he left his shopping basket after he paid.)

Me: *jokingly* “Not unless you only bought expired ham, sir.”

Customer: “Could I have that expired ham?”

Me: “No, sir. We have to log it and throw it out.”

Customer: “Well, if you’re just going to throw it out, can I have it?”

Me: “No, sir. I have to take it out to the dumpster.”

Customer: “Well, what if I watch where you throw it out, and then take it?”

Me: “That would be stealing.”

Customer: “Well, could I just buy it, then?”

Me: “No, that would be a liability. We could sell you some fresh ham, if you like.”

Customer: “But I don’t want fresh ham!”

(A customer asks for the bill. I give it to her.)

Customer: “Hold on, where am I?”

Me: “You’re in [restaurant].”

Customer: “No, what country?”

Me: “Seriously?”

*blank stare*

(At this moment I notice a large bag on the table next to her and a large travel backpack on the seat next to her.)

Me: “Australia. Are you backpacking the world?”

(The customer opens her bag and pulls out over a dozen envelopes with different countries written on them. France, Russia, China, Germany, Thailand, etc. She pulls Austria out of the pile.)

Me: “No, it’s Australia.”

(The customer puts it back and finds her Australia envelope. Out of the envelope comes Euros.)

Me: “Okay, get Austria.”

Customer: “You told me that’s wrong.”

Me: “You misplaced your money.”

(The customer reluctantly gets her Austria envelope again. Out of the envelope comes Australian dollars, which I happily accept. She puts everything back in the wrong envelope.)

Me: “I think you should put them in the correct envelope this time. Euros doesn’t need to be separated by country. You can name multiple countries on that one envelope.”

Customer: *yelling* “Don’t tell me what to do! I’m the one travelling, not you. Don’t forget, you’re the one who told me my first envelope was wrong!”

(The art director of a local mid-sized advertising agency always wants everything right away. In fact, all his job orders are coded
‘HSR’ – Hot Screaming Rush.)
Me: “You want this today?”

Customer: *blank look* “Of course I want it today. If I wanted it tomorrow, I’d have brought it in tomorrow!”

(I am working on replacing a computer at a customer’s house. The customer’s mother walks in.)

Me: “Okay, I’m going to look at your video card now.”

Mother: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Looking at the video card.”

(I take off the case to the computer.)

Mother: “What are you doing?! You said you were looking at the video card!”

Me: “I have to take the case off to see it.”

Mother: “I don’t feel comfortable with someone your age working inside my son’s computer.”

Me: “Ma’am, I am a fully certified technician. I’ve built and sold 3 computers in the past week. I will not harm your computer.”

Mother: “I will just get my husband to do it, since he is more qualified.”

Me: “Well, that is fine. For my reference, what are his qualifications?”

Mother: “He fixes our internet when it goes down.”