Me: “This is Alex. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Your name is Alex?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Oh, that threw me off. I was expecting a man, but I guess your parents were too.”

(I am working at the customer service desk. A conservatively dressed woman in her early sixties walks up to the counter.)

Me: “Hi. What can I help you with today?”

Customer: “Just a return.”

(She pulls out a very garish holiday sweater, covered entirely in bright red sequins.)

Me: “Okay, was there anything wrong with it?”

Customer: “No. I just must have been really f****** high when I bought it. Look at it! It’s hideous! I don’t even remember buying this thing. I must have been really baked. D***, this is an ugly sweater!”

(I am working the register. A customer is looking at our retail chips stacked in front of me.)

Customer: “I don’t like this flavor.”

(She picks up a bag of sea salt chips.)

Customer: “I don’t like this kind either. It’s too salty.”

(She grabs a bag of jalapeno chips.)

Customer: “These ones are too spicy.”

(This goes on for a minute or so. She eventually finds something she likes and places it at the register.)

Me: “Hi there. How are you today?”

Customer: “Oh, I can’t complain.”

(A customer is calling to complain. Whenever he connects to the internet, he receives a ‘no dial tone’ message.)

Me: “Is your phone cord plugged into the modem?”

Caller: “Wait a second. Yeah, it’s plugged in.”

Me: “Is your phone cord plugged into the wall?”

Caller: “Wait a second. Yeah, it’s plugged in to the wall.”

Me: “Well, I’m not sure what it is. You should be able to connect to the internet.”

Caller: “Do they both have to be plugged in at the same time?”

Related:
Wireless Clueless & Hopeless, Part 6
Wireless Clueless & Hopeless, Part 5
Wireless Clueless & Hopeless, Part 4
Wireless Clueless & Hopeless, Part 3
Wireless Clueless & Hopeless, Part 2
Wireless Clueless & Hopeless

Me: “Thank you for calling [restaurant]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I’ve got coupon for 12 wings free. But, it says it excludes boneless wings. So, I was wondering if I could place an order and get the boneless wings free.”

Me: “Sir, if it says it excludes the boneless wings, then I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

Customer: “Oh. So, even if I cross it off, it won’t work?”

(I am sitting in a laundromat, waiting for my laundry. An irate customer approaches me while I am reading a book.)

Customer: “Can you help?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Can you help me with this machine? I don’t think it’s working properly.”

Me: “I can take a look, but I don’t know too much about these things.”

Customer: *exasperated* “How is it that you don’t know how these machines work? What kind of lazy employee are you? You just sit here reading a book when customers are struggling?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m just trying to do my laundry like you are.”

Customer: “This is the worst experience I’ve ever had here! Where are your parents? I need to complain to them.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m 25 years old and my Korean parents live in New Jersey. There is a nice Chinese family that owns this business. They might be able to help you better than I can.”

Customer: “But don’t you all know how to fix these things?”

Me: “Hi, welcome to [drive in]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah. I’d like a deluxe burger and a fry.”

Me: “Did you want to make that a combo today, and add a drink for only fifty cents more?”

Customer: “Well, shoot! Yeah, give me a beer.”

Me: “Sir, this is a drive in. We don’t serve beer.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because this is a drive in. It’s illegal to drink and drive.”

Customer: “I bet you’d get a lot more business if you sold beer.”

(I’m conducting a customer satisfaction survey over the phone.)

Me: “Using a scale from 1 to 10, how would you rate your cable service?”

(I hear a ‘beep’.)

Me: “I need to you actually say the number, not dial it on your phone.”

Customer: “Isn’t this automated?”

Me: “Well, I’m not a machine. Could you please say what number you would rate your cable service?”

Customer: “8.”

Me: “Great! And using the same scale, how would you rate your internet service?”

*beep*

Me: “I still need you to say the number.”

Customer: “Sorry, I got confused. 8.”

Me: “Okay, and how would you rate your phone service?”

*beep*

(This went on for all thirty questions.)