Me: “Thank you for calling [security services].”

Customer: “My keypad keeps beeping and saying low battery. What does that mean?”

(I run through some basic troubleshooting. After about 10 minutes, we still can’t find the problem.)

Me: “Well, sir, I’m not exactly sure why your system is doing this. I’ll be happy to send a technician out there for you.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. By the way, my keypad seems to be on fire. Is that a bad thing?”

Me: “Yes, sir. That is really bad. Do you want me to call the fire department?”

Customer: “Oh, no. I don’t think that’s necessary, do you?”

Me: “Well, the fire may spread up the wall if it doesn’t get put out. I’d recommend spraying it with a fire extinguisher if you don’t want the fire department to come out.”

Customer: “I can’t do that!”

Me: “Why not? Do you not have a fire extinguisher?”

Customer: “No, I do! But I don’t want to be liable for damaging the alarm system by putting out the fire!”

Me: “Sir, I’m going to just hang up now and call the fire department. I’d really recommend you go outside and wait for them.”

Customer: “You know, I don’t understand why you think this is such a big deal, young lady!”

Me: “Can I help you with something?”

Customer: “Yeah. I have a guy painting a room in my house, but I told him I don’t like it.”

Me: “If you’d like another color, I can help you pick a new one.”

Customer: “That’d be great. I have to cover up this color. It’s the most horrible, disgusting color I’ve ever seen. It looks like…it looks like…”

(The customer looks up at me, and points.)

Customer: “It looks like your shirt.”

(I am speechless.)

Customer: “Yeah, ugly like your shirt. Oh, sorry! It’s a nice shirt, I guess.”

Caller: “Hi, do you have any reports by Dr. Smith?”

Me: “Certainly. On what patient?”

Caller: “Not specific ones.”

Me: “Oh. So you need all Dr. Smith’s most recent reports?”

Caller: “Not necessarily recent.”

Me: “So, not specific patients, not specific dates. Do you want all his reports, ever?”

Caller: “I think. I don’t know. Okay.” *hangs up*

Customer: “May I ask you something?”

Me: “Of course. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’ve got some dirty DVDs. How could I clean them?”

Me: “You should use a very soft towel with warm water. Don’t use too much. After cleaning, you polish the disks. That should work.”

Customer: “Are you serious? I could smear everything!”

Me: “No, the dirt will go away.”

Customer: “Not the dirt. The data!”

Customer: “I’d like to return this hat. It didn’t meet my expectations.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t return this for you. The hat is wet.”

Customer: “I wouldn’t call it wet. That’s a bit presumptuous of you, isn’t it?”

Me: “I don’t think it is. It’s wet.”

Customer: “And where does it say in your returns policy that all items must be dry?”

Me: “Hi there. Can I help you find anything today?”

Customer: “My kids need a terrarium or an aquarium for a cub scout project. They have to observe it for 30 days.”

Me: “Well, we don’t have any pre-assembled.”

(I show her a tank, some pre-bagged dirt, plants, etc.)

Customer: “So, could I put a fish in there?”

Me: “Not with the dirt and plants, no.”

Customer: “Can I just stick it in a bowl with water, then?”

Me: “Sure.”

Customer: “Do you have to do anything with it?”

Me: “Feed it and keep the tank clean.”

Customer: “Do I have to do that more than once a month?”

Me: “Well, yes.”

Customer: “How long do those fish live?”

Me: “With proper care, up to a few years.”

Customer: *scoffing* “That’s way too long! They only need to observe it for a month. What do I do with it after that?”

Me: “You could ask your friends or your kids’ friends to see if someone would like to take it.”

Customer: “Can’t I just flush it?”

(I pause, not quite believing she was serious.)

Me: “Well, ma’am, store policy is that animals always come first. Quite honestly, if I knew that’s what you were going to do with it, I would hesitate to sell you a fish.”

Customer: “Oh, don’t worry. I wasn’t going to buy it tonight!”

Customer: “Is the chicken caesar sandwich vegetarian?”

Me: “No, ma’am. It has chicken in it. But we can substitute tofu if you’d like.”

Customer: “I don’t want tofu. Don’t you have any vegetarian meat?”

Me: “Vegetarian means no meat, ma’am. Would you like a non-vegetarian option?”

Customer: “No, I’m a vegetarian. Your menu says you have vegetarian options.”

Me: “We do have vegetarian options. Anything can be made without meat.”

Customer: “Why don’t you have any vegetarian meat?”

Me: “Are you sure you’re a vegetarian, ma’am?”

Related:
Telling Porkies

Customer: “I think I was just in the wrong theater.”

Me: “The King’s Speech? No, that was the right one.”

Customer: “It’s just been all these British people talking.”

Me: “Yes. The King’s Speech.”

Customer: “But, isn’t it about Martin Luther King Jr.?”