(A customer is looking for a travel adapter for Egypt.)

Me: “Here is one that will work. It is for Africa?”

Customer: “I am not going to Africa. I am going to Egypt!”

Me: “Egypt is on the African continent.”

Customer: “Africa is a continent?”

(A guest hands me a ticket for a movie that doesn’t start for another hour.)

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. We’re not ready to let people in for this show yet.”

Customer: *blank stare*

Me: “There are still people in the auditorium watching the last showing of this movie.”

Customer: *stare* “I don’t get it.”

Me: “We need to wait for the people to leave. Then, we will clean the theater, and then you can go in.”

Customer: “You mean I’ll be sitting in a seat someone just sat in!?”

Me: “Most likely, yes.”

Customer: “That’s unsanitary!”

Me: “That’s how movie theaters work, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well, if my seat is warm, I want a refund!”

(Some of the exams we schedule require that a patient have a full bladder at the time of the exam in order to get the appropriate images.)

Caller: “Hi, I was hoping you might have an opening for an OB ultrasound this afternoon?”

Me: “I’m sorry, the schedule is actually very full today. I could get her in tomorrow afternoon if you’d like?”

Caller: “No, that’s okay. She’s just here now with a full bladder and we didn’t want to waste it.”

(The phone rings. My co-worker, a very proper, older lady, answers it.)

Coworker: “Thank you for calling [name of store] Beauty Department. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Do you have pantyhose on?”

Coworker: “I beg your pardon?”

Caller: “Do you have pantyhose on?”

Coworker: *shocked* “Oh my! Such filth! I have never in my life!”

(She hangs up and runs to the break room completely flustered. A minute later the phone rings again and I answer it this time.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [store name] Beauty Department, how may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes hello, I would like to know if you have pantyhose on sale this week? My husband called to check for me a moment ago and somebody hung up on him.”

(A customer calls the store and asks me to look up a book for her.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I can not find a book with that title. Do you know who the author is? I might be able to find it that way.”

Customer: “I don’t know who the author is, but I know who wrote it!”

(A customer hands me a ticket to a movie that we are not ready to let people into yet.)

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. The auditorium for [movie] is just being cleaned right now.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. No problem.”

Another customer: *comes running up to me* “What did you say about [movie]? What’s wrong?”

Me: “Nothing is wrong. We’re just cleaning the seats and aisles before we let people in.”

Another customer: “Oh, thank goodness! I thought you said it was being ‘cleansed’. I don’t want a movie theater that believes in that new-age spiritual witchcraft stuff!”

Me: “Oh. Nothing like that happens here.”

Another customer: “Good!”

(The movie she was waiting to see? ‘Season Of The Witch’.)

Tourist: “Have I seen everything there is to see here?”

Me: “I don’t know, ma’am. What have you seen?”

Tourist: “Everything on the way in. Have I seen it all?”

(I point out several of the other options.)

Tourist: “Can I drive through any of the caves?”

Me: “Nope, sorry. They all have to be walked through.”

Tourist: “That’s ridiculous! Is there at least an elevator?”

Me: “Nope, just stairs.”

Tourist: “Well, where’s the river of lava? I was here a few years ago, and I got to stand by the lava.”

Me: “Ma’am, molten lava hasn’t been here for over 1,000 years.”

Tourist: “Yes it has! I’ve seen it! You just haven’t been here long enough!”

(I’m stocking the shelves in the electronics/gadgets section when a husband and wife come over. The husband is shouting behind the wife.)

Husband, to me: “Pedometer! She wants a PEDOMETER!”

Wife, to husband: “Shut up! I know what I want!”

Husband: “Tell her it’s a Pedometer!”

Wife, to me: “Hi, do you have any pedofi–”

Me: “Pedometers!”