(This happened while I was working at an upscale restaurant in North Carolina. It’s during one of the worst droughts in history.)

Me: “Alright, ma’am, here is your table. It’s right by the window as requested.”

Customer: “Can we have another table?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I’d be glad to move you to another table, but this is the only one available near a window.”

Customer: “Well, I just don’t want to look out at the dead tree.”

Me: “Dead tree?”

Customer: “Yes, you see that dead tree out there? Honestly, your groundskeeper should be doing a better job.”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s because we are currently in a drought.”

Customer: “So? He should at least water it.”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s against the law to water lawns and trees right now.”

Customer: “Well, he should at least go and glue some fake leaves to the tree!”

(Note that I am wearing a name tag with my name on it. At the top of our receipts, it says ‘Your Cashier Was’ and lists my name)

Customer: *looks at receipt* “Your name’s Footer? That’s a strange name.”

Me: “Uh, no. My name’s [name], like it says on my name tag. Why would you think my name was Footer?”

Customer: “Because this receipt says your name is Footer!”

Me: “May I see that?”

Customer: *hands me the receipt*

Me: “It has the right name here at the top.”

Customer: “No, down at the bottom.”

(I look at the bottom of the receipt. It says “Footer: Thank you for shopping at [store], have a nice day!)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “My iPhone doesn’t work, and those idiots in the phone department couldn’t help me.”

Me: “May I take a look?”

Customer: “Here it is. It won’t make phone calls.” *hands it to me*

Me: “Ma’am, this is an iPod Touch.”

Customer: “That’s exactly what that dumba** in the phone department told me. God, are all you people stupid?! iPods look like this!” *holds up an iPod Classic*

Me: “That’s an iPod Classic. These are the new touch screen ones. May I see the box it came in?”

Customer: “What? Here, fine.” *hands me the box*

Me: “Ma’am, can you read this to me please?”

(I flip the box to where the label clearly says iPod.)

Customer: “What, are you blind too?! It says iP-…oh. Oh! Well, don’t I feel like a b****.” *walks off*

Next customer: “Whatever they’re paying you, it’s not enough.”

(We’ve just recently switched to a new system where receipts are optional.)

Me: “…and would you like a receipt today?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “We’re now only printing receipts if you’d like one, in order to save paper. Would you like a receipt?”

Customer: “Of course I want my receipt! You know, it’s young punks like you who do all your online banking who are responsible for 9-11! You should be ashamed of yourself!”

Related:
Our Great Dumbocracy, Part 2
Our Great Dumbocracy

(Note: this takes place a week before Christmas in a store packed full of people. I am the only one operating the registers when the phone rings.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [video game store], how can I help you?”

Other Store: “I am sending a customer your way for a game. The system says you have one left.”

(Sure enough, a customer shows up for a very popular game. When I begin to ring her out, I explain that even though the plastic is removed, it is a brand new game.)

Customer: “That is not a brand new game!”

Me: “I assure you it is, madam. We must remove all discs from the cases if they are being displayed on the floor, and this is my last copy.”

Customer: “It has been opened! It’s been played! You’re lying to me!”

(At this point, she turns to the long line behind her and starts yelling at everyone in line.)

Customer: “Can you believe this?! This is ridiculous! This game is for a child! I can’t give an opened game to a child for Christmas!!”

(Without missing a beat, the entire line opens their game cases. All of them are empty.)

Customer: “None of you love your children!” *storms out*