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Me: “Hi! Welcome to [restaurant]!”

Wife: “Hello. We’ll take two buffets, please.”

Me: “Alright, would you like drinks?”

Wife: “I would.”

Me: “And you, sir?”

Husband: *gives me an odd look, nods slightly, and then looks at his wife*

Wife, to her husband: “What’s that look for?”

Husband: *completely serious* “I don’t like when people talk to me. I can’t hear the voices…”

(Note: I run the scoring system at swim meets for my local pool.)

Parent: “Do you mind pulling up my son’s race time?”

Me: “No problem. What race?”

Parent: “32.”

(I glance over at the announcer’s table. Race 25 is currently swimming.)

Me: “Oh, so you want his qualification time? Sure, I can pull that up.”

Parent: “No, no. I want his race time.”

Me: “You do realize that the race hasn’t happened yet, right?”

Parent: “Oh, that matters? Okay, then…switch him into an earlier race.”

Me: “Even if I switched him into a race that had already happened, it wouldn’t make your son’s time appear in the system. The computer doesn’t work that way.”

Parent: “It doesn’t?”

(Note: We sell a mosquito tent for babies that is very compact and light.)

Customer: “Hi, I have a question about your baby tent?”

Me: “Sure, what would you like to know?”

Customer: “Can the tent withstand a bear attack?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Well, let’s say we go camping and my husband and I are sun tanning on the other side of the lake. If a bear comes into the campsite, will the tent protect my child?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I’m confused. Who is in the campsite with your baby while you are on the other side of the lake?”

Customer: “Nobody. Why?”

(Note: My coworker is my friend, and we usually pick on each other in good fun.)

Me, to coworker: “Your shirt is all wrinkled! Maybe you should show up to work looking decent!”

Mistakenly overhearing customer: “Well, maybe you should shove it!”

(I work at a visitor’s center on a refuge, which is by a large pond. As this is Florida, we naturally have alligators. A visitor approaches the help desk.)

Visitor: “You have a fake alligator outside!”

Coworker: “No, sir. It’s real.”

Visitor: “There’s no way that’s real!”

Coworker: “Sir, all our gators are real.”

Visitor: “I’ll prove it!”

(My coworker follows the visitor outside. Suddenly, the visitor goes up to an alligator resting along the side of the pond and grabs it by the tail.)

Alligator: *dives into the water*

Visitor: *face goes white*

(Note: I’m 19 and go to college.)

Customer: “Oh, I think you have class with my daughter, Kayla.”

Me: “I don’t think I know her. What year is she?”

Customer: “10th.”

Me: “Huh?”

Customer: “10th grade.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m in college.”

Customer: “Sure you are, sweetie.” *winks*

(A male customer comes into my cafe and spends five minutes staring at the baked goods before finally coming up to order.)

Customer: “Well, there’s no manly way to say this: I want a cream puff.”