(I’m in the comics section, helping a man find a present for his daughter. I’ve picked up a book by a popular artist.)

Customer: “It looks nice, but I already got her one of these things for her birthday. I don’t want to give her the same gift twice.”

Me: “Are you sure? This book came out pretty recently. Did yours have the same title as this one?”

Customer: “I don’t remember.”

Me: “Did the cover have the same colors as this?”

Customer: “I don’t remember.”

Me: “Is there anything you recall about the book you got for her birthday?”

Customer: *after a long, thoughtful pause* “It was made of paper!”

Customer: “I’m looking for a book. Something about glass. Breaking glass?”

Me: “Well, do you know if it’s fiction or nonfiction?”

Customer: “Sorry. What?”

Me: “Is it real or imaginary?”

Customer: “I mean, it’s real. How do you imagine a book? Is that what audio books are?”

Related:
Life Is Stranger Than Fiction

(We hit a bit of turbulence. The ‘Fasten Seatbelt’ light goes on, and the captain comes on the intercom to tell us all to stay seated and buckled in. Shortly after this, a woman hits her call light. I come on over.)

Me: *bracing myself on the seat across the row* “Yes, ma’am?”

Passenger: “Could I have a glass of water, please?”

Me: “Ma’am, the captain has asked us to all stay seated for our safety.”

Passenger: “But I wouldn’t be getting up!”

Me: “Ma’am, the captain has asked us ALL to stay seated for our safety.”

Passenger: “Oh! You too?”

(I’m working in a diner at the crack of dawn. A surly trucker sits down at the counter.)

Me: “Good morning, can I start you with something to drink?”

Customer: “Coffee. Now.”

Me: “I’m sorry, we’re all out of ‘coffee now’. All we have left is ‘coffee please’.”

(A girl of about 20 pulls up to the pump. After several minutes of her nervously looking around and doing nothing, I approach her.)

Me: “Is there something I can help you with?”

Customer: “I don’t know how to do this.”

Me: “You don’t know how to fuel up your car?”

Customer: “No! There’s so many buttons! Where does this hose thingy go?”

Me: “Well, first you have to pay.”

(Several minutes ensue of walking her through the procedure, in which I learn she has been driving for 4 years.)

Customer: “Thank you so much for your help, I don’t know how anyone can do this!”

Me: *notices license plate* “Oh! You’re from Oregon! People pump gas for you there, don’t they?”

Customer: “Yes! I can’t believe they don’t do it here! Are the people at this gas station poor?”

Related:
Feeling Fuel-ish

(My company provides web-design and hosting. A new customer, who’s just been sent his e-mail settings and password to his private account, calls.)

Customer: “I followed the instructions on setting up my e-mail, but my mail client keeps giving an error.”

Me: “Okay, what’s the error?”

Customer: “It says ‘error logging into remote server’.”

Me: “Right. You’re sure you entered the correct credentials from the mail we sent you?”

(The customer affirms that, so I logon to the mail server to examine the logs.)

Me: “Okay, I’m looking at the logs right now. Can you try to login again, so I can see what the exact error message is the server is giving?”

(Over the next ten minutes or so I try a few other things.)

Me: “I’m sorry sir, I’m running out of options. Just to be sure, could you literally copy and paste your password into the password field? Every so often people mistake a zero for an ‘O’ or such.”

Customer: “That’s not necessary. I always use the same password for all my email-accounts. I think I know it pretty well.” *chuckles confidently*

Me: “Sir, how would we know your preferred password? You’ll need to enter the one in the account mail we sent you.”

Customer: “Ah, I had been wondering what that funny word was.”

(Because I was tied up with other tables, my manager kindly seated and provided drinks for an older couple in my section.)

Me: “Hello, sorry for the wait. I see you already have menus and drinks, is there anything else I can get you?”

Husband: “Well, [manager] suggested we try this beer and it’s fabulous! It has a funny name though, I can’t remember it.”

(I notice the orange slice on the glass and identify the beer as a Hefeweizen.)

Me: “That is a hefeweizen, sir. They are very tasty.”

Husband: “No, that’s not it. It was something else.”

Me: “Hefeweizens are commonly served with citrus, I’m sure that is a hefeweizen.”

Husband: “No, it wasn’t that. It was something German. Hoffenschneider?”

Wife: “No, it was something like hoffenweizer.”

Husband: “That might be it!”

Me: “It is German, it’s called a hefeweizen.”

Husband: “No, you’re wrong. Go get your manager, she knows.”

(Several minutes later I overhear my manager attempting to explain to the couple how to pronounce “Hefeweizen.” She eventually gives up and says, “Just say ‘Hef’.” I return to the couple shortly after my manager leaves.)

Me: “Did [manager] clear up the confusion for you?”

Husband: “Oh yes! It certainly is a strange name. We’d like two more heifers, please!”

(The shop I work in has a TV that plays the news 24/7. It has picked up a story about a judge ruling that the Obama health care bill was unconstitutional.)

Customer: “Well good! It is unconstitutional! You can’t force anyone to get health care if they don’t want it. This country is becoming too socialist! We don’t need any socialist programs!”

Me: *avoiding the topic* “Your total comes to [total].”

Customer: “Alright, here you go.”

(The customer hands me her food stamps card.)