Me: “Hello, what can I get for you?”

Customer: “I’d like a crap, please.”

Me: “I’m sorry, could you repeat that?”

Customer: “I’d like a crap with sugar and lemon, please.”

Me: “Oh, I see! A crepe with sugar and lemon.”

Customer: “Yes, that’s what I said. A crap with sugar and lemon!”

(A mother comes in looking to get a hamster for her four children. They range in age from 3 to 10.)

Mother:  ”Excuse me, miss?”

Me:  ”How may I help you?”

Mother:  ”Can you tell me if this hamster is a girl?”

(I look at the hamster in question. It’s most definitely male.)

Mother, to me: *quietly* “Just say it’s a girl.”

Me: “Yes, it’s a girl.”

Mother, to children: “Yes, this one’s a girl. We can call her Jessie.”

Child:  ”What’s that hanging off the back of the hamster?” *points to the hamster’s prominent testicles*

Mother: *looks at me in desperation*

Me:  ”Er…that’s…”

Mother:  *frantic look of desperation*

Me:  ”…its butt.”

Mother:  *look of relief*

(They ended up buying the hamster in spite of its large…butt.)

Customer: *hands me two identical coupons*

Me: “You want to use two 20% off coupons? That takes two dollars off each item. Using a five dollar off one would save you an extra dollar. Would you rather use that one?”

Customer: “But using these two coupons saves me more.”

Me: “Actually, you only save four dollars by using those. The five dollar one would save you more.”

Customer: “But using more coupons saves more money!”

Me: “That one coupon is worth more savings than those two, though. That coupon would save you a dollar more, and you can use those two 20% ones another day. Five dollars is more than four dollars.”

Customer: “No, it’s not! I don’t understand how you think that!”

(One of the kids at my martial arts camp has gotten so bad that I have to call to his mother.)

Me: “Ma’am, your son has not been paying attention during training, and is disrupting the other kids.”

Mother: “Well, maybe my son needs a male influence instead of a little girl!”

Me: “The kids are arranged according to proficiency level. We can’t move him.”

Mother: “That’s funny…you say you can’t control him, but you can threaten to throw him down a flight of stairs easily enough!”

Me: “Who told you I threatened to throw him down a flight of stairs?”

Mother: “He did! He said you threatened to throw him down the stairs!”

Me: “Ma’am, this is a one-story building.”

*brief pause*

Mother: “I will talk to him tonight.”

Me: “Thank you for calling [bank], How may I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I’d like to pay my bill to [company] for $**.**.”

Me: “Sure, ma’am. Would you like your confirmation code?”

Caller: “Sure.”

Me: “Okay, it’s H–”

Caller: “How do you spell that?”

Related:
It’s Gonna Be A Long Call, Part 5
It’s Gonna Be A Long Call, Part 4
It’s Gonna Be A Long Call, Part 3
It’s Gonna Be A Long Call, Part 2
It’s Gonna Be A Long Call

(I am a customer in line at a pharmacy. A mother and her two youngs boys is ahead of me. One of the young boys is sitting on the floor pointing at random medicines.)

Boy: “Mummy, what’s that for?”

Mother: “That’s for an itchy head.”

Boy: “Mummy, what’s that for?”

Mother: “That’s for when you can’t sleep.”

(The boy then points at the pregnancy tests.)

Boy: “Mummy, what’s that for?”

Mother: “That’s to see if you have a baby growing inside of you!”

(The boy then stands up and gets back in line with his mother.)

Mother, to me and the pharmacist: “Thank god he didn’t point at the condoms!”

(I’m a customer here. When you place an order, the cashier asks for a name to call when the order is ready. As I’m finishing my lunch and getting ready to go, I hear over the intercom speakers…)

Employee: “Aragorn, the firstborn son of Arathorn, your order is ready!”

Original Story | Comic by EvilNessie