Student: “I need to write a five-paragraph essay for my English class. Can you help me find some books?”

Me: “Okay, what’s your topic?”

Student: “I thought I’d write it about Jesus.”

Me: “Maybe you could narrow it down? Why don’t you choose a Bible verse that inspires you and write about that?”

Student: “Thanks! You’re so sweet! If I cut you, you’d bleed syrup.”

Me: “I… Thank you?”

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Old Lady: *shouting randomly* “Marge? Marge?”

Me: “Are you okay?”

Old Lady: *worriedly* “I can’t find Marge!”

Me: “I’ll see if I can find someone to help you.”

Old Lady: “Please don’t go. You must help me find Marge!”

Me: “Okay, what does she look like?”

Old Lady: “Who?”

Me: “Your friend Marge?”

Old Lady: “I’m looking for margarine. It should be next to the butter!”

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(It is Christmas Eve and I am stewarding an overnight flight. A mother is traveling with her two young children, both of whom are crowding around the window.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, but your children will both have to take their seats shortly.”

Mother: “Oh, it’s okay. They’re just keeping an eye out for Santa.”

Me: “Oh, how lovely!”

Mother: “Are they looking out the right side of the plane?”

Me: *playing along* “They might get lucky if they keep an eye out, but since we’re about to serve the evening meal, they will need to take their seats.”

Mother: *totally serious* “No! They might miss Santa!”

Me: “Uh… well, ma’am, I think you’ll be all right for the moment.”

Mother: “But we can’t miss Santa! I want them to see the reindeer!”

Me: “All right, but if they want to eat their meal they will need to sit in their seats.”

(I walk roughly two rows down the aisle when another passenger grabs my attention.)

Passenger: “I don’t care how crazy that mother is; don’t tell them the truth! It’s the only thing that’s been keeping those brats quiet all night!”

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(I work at a set where kids can get their picture taken with Santa. Among other things, we sell a CD with one picture on it.)

Customer: “What’s this I hear about a CD?”

Me: “Well, you can get a CD with one picture on it. You also get the rights to the picture so you can do anything you want with it after that!”

Customer: “But I have two kids! Why can’t they go together for the picture?”

Me: “Sir, I’m not sure I follow.”

Customer: “I have two kids. I want them both in the picture!”

(The customer is holding up the line, and a woman behind him speaks up.)

Other Customer: *joking* “Oh, didn’t they tell you? You have to pay using one child. Pick the one you like the best, and they’ll be in the picture. They keep the other kid.”

Customer: *horrified* “Oh, my God! You’re all animals!” *hurriedly leaves*

(I work in a department next to the exit. A mother, father, and daughter set off the alarm.)

Me: “Excuse me, I need to check your bag for something.”

Husband: “God, really? Fine.”

(I pull out a kid’s DVD.)

Daughter: “What’s that?”

Wife: “Great, just great! Here, honey, this was supposed to be one of your Christmas presents! This woman here ruined Christmas! I hope you’re happy that you ruined Christmas for this entire family!”

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