(A customer calls in to report his cellphone as stolen three weeks earlier while he was on vacation in Vietnam. He had just received a bill for a few thousand dollars for international usage. I asked if I could put him on hold while I checked into his problem. I used the time to confirm the billed calls from Vietnam were to numbers from previous bills; numbers he called all the time. I looked up his to see where the phone was currently registering and was unsurprised to find it registered to a US cell tower. I decided to call it.)

Me: “Hello, sir, this is [My Name] from [Service Provider]. We were just having a conversation about this phone being lost on your other line. You do realize that what you are attempting to do is fraud? Given the amount of money involved it would be considered a felony.”

Customer Cell Phone: *click*

Landline: *click*

(I dialed into his voicemail and left a very detailed message about prompt payment and made copious notes on the account. The account was paid in full and on time.)

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(A very intoxicated guest walks in at night.)

Me: “Good evening. How can I help you?”

Guest: “I lost the key to my room.”

Me: “Do you have your photo ID?”

Guest: “No, I lost it. My room number is 4321.”

(Our highest room number is 558.)

Me: “What is the name on the room?”

Guest: “Jack. Jack Bauer.”

Me: “We don’t have a Mr. Bauer staying with us tonight.”

Guest: “That’s ridiculous! Jack Bauer fights terrorism everywhere! All the time!”

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Swimmer: “Could you please close the doors? There’s a draft coming into the pool.”

Me: “Sure.”

(After closing the pool, a customer watching her child swim calls me over.)

Mother: “Could you please leave the doors open? I’m claustrophobic.”

Me: “Of course!”

(After opening the doors again, the swimmer talks to me.)

Swimmer: “Why are the doors open?”

Me: “A customer here is claustrophobic, and asked me to leave the doors open.”

Swimmer: *yelling angrily* “What’s more important, her claustrophobia, or my comfort?”

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CONTENT WARNING: Animal Death

(An irate customer comes flying through the door and slams a soaking wet, dead hamster on the counter. I recognize her as a woman I had sold a hamster to an hour ago.)

Me: “Oh, my goodness! What happened?!”

Customer: “I took this hamster home and he didn’t even live ten minutes!”

Me: “Why is he all wet?”

Customer: “From being in the aquarium! He swam for a while, but then he just dropped dead!

Me: “I’m sorry, are you telling me you put him in an aquarium full of water?”

Customer: “You told me hamsters can live in aquariums! You said I didn’t need to buy a cage specifically for hamsters!”

Me: “Hamsters can live in an aquarium, but not in water! When you were picking him out didn’t you notice the others are in empty aquariums with bedding?”

Customer: “You told me he could live in an aquarium! I demand a new hamster! One that is alive!”

Me: “I really don’t think any of our animals are going to work out for you.”

(A guest comes through my line with a four-pack of AA batteries and an energy drink called Assault. He is trying not to giggle during the transaction.)

Me: “Here is your receipt. Have a great day!”

Customer: “Guess what?”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “You just charged me for Assault and battery!” *grabs his bag and sprints out of the store*

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