(I’m the lifeguard on duty at an indoor pool when there’s a power outage. I must close the sauna for ventilation reasons. I enter, and a customer is sitting inside.)

Customer: “Close the door! You’re letting the heat out!”

Me: “Excuse me, sir, it is not safe for you to remain in the sauna because there is no longer adequate ventilation.”

Customer: “It’s a f****** sauna! There’s not meant to be ventilation, so shut the d*** door!”

Me: “Without proper ventilation, the sauna will overheat and put you at risk for heatstroke.”

Customer: “That’s what lifeguards are for!”

This story is part of our “Customers so stupid they should not be alive” roundup!

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Read the “Customers so stupid they should not be alive” roundup!

Customer: “I’m looking for a DVD. My father told me I had to rent it.”

Me: “Okay, do you know what the movie was called?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Did he say what actor or actress was featured in the film?”

Customer: “Samuel something.”

Me: “Samuel L. Jackson?”

Customer: “Yeah. Him.”

Me: “Did he happen to mention what the movie was about?”

Customer: “Um… Snakes… on a Plane.”

(I walk the customer over to the movie “Snakes on a Plane” and hand it to her.)

Customer: “I don’t think this is it.”

Me: “Ma’am, this is the only movie I have with Samuel L. Jackson in it about snakes on a plane.”

Customer: “Hmm…  and this is about snakes on a plane?”

Me: “Yes.”

(The customer puts the movie back on the shelf.)

Customer: “I just don’t think this is it.”

This story is part of our Snakes roundup!

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Me: “Hello there, can I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like some batteries for my camera.”

Me: “Okay, what does it take?”

Customer: “Pictures.”

Me: “Thanks for calling [Credit Card Company]. My name is [My Name]. Can I get your first and last name, please?”

Caller: “I wanted to talk to the computer.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, the reason you got me is because [Credit Card Company] wants to take care of you personally and let you know about–”

Caller: “I want to talk to the computer, not a person! I don’t like talking to people.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I’ve already got your account info up on the screen. I can give you the same info the computer lady can.”

Caller: “No! I want to talk to the computer! I don’t want to talk to a d*** agent! I wanted to get my balance from the computer!”

Me: “Ma’am, since I’ve got it up already, would you like me to just give you the info so you don’t have to call back? You’d still get an agent if you did.”

Caller: “NO! I WANT TO TALK TO THE COMPUTER!” *click*

This story is part of the Man-Vs-Machine-themed roundup!

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Me: “Tech support. How can I help you?”

Caller: “My [expletive] Internet is down; what’s wrong with you people?!”

Me: “Well, let’s find out, ma’am. Do you mind troubleshooting a bit to find out what the problem is?”

Caller: *huge sigh* “Fine, but I’ve checked everything already.”

Me: “Okay. First, let’s look at your modem lights. Do you see the link light on?”

Caller: “No. No lights are on.”

Me: “All right. Can you check the power cable to see if it’s plugged in?”

Caller: “I can’t see anything. The power is out.”

Me: “Well, that might be our problem, then.”

Caller: “What the h*** are you talking about?! This is the exact reason I bought a laptop: for it to work when there is a power outage!”

Me: “Right, but where does your Internet connection come from?”

Caller: “My phone line.”

Me: “Right, and where is that plugged into?”

Caller: “My modem.”

Me: “Right.”

(There’s a pretty lengthy pause, during which I swear I can hear the gears grinding in her head.)

Caller: “F***!” *click*

This story is part of our Terrible Tech Support Calls roundup!

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