(This at the DVD release of the Twilight Movie, two men approach the desk. They are Caucasian.)

Customer #1: “Hey lend me some money, I wanna buy this movie!”

Customer #2: “Naw, get your own cash!”

Customer #1: “C’mon, this movie got leprechauns!”

Customer #2: “Dang, I ain’t gonna give you no cash!”

Customer #1: “Man you spoozy!”

(Customer #1 walks off, returns with Twilight.)

Customer #1: “C’mon! It’s on sale! Jus’ lend me 20!”

Customer #2: “Alright fine, take it.”

Customer #1: *looking at me* “Eh man, know what this movie’s about?”

Me: “Well–”

Customer #2: *pointing at the characters on the cover* “This one’s a vampire, and this b**** don’t know ’bout it!”

(I work at a self-serve frozen yogurt shop, where people get their own yogurt and toppings then pay by weight.)

Customer: “Excuse me, you should be supervising this store. These kids are putting their fingers in the toppings. It’s not clean!”

(I look around for a parent, but there seems to be nobody else of suitable age in the shop.)

Me: “Are these your children?”

Customer: “Yes, but you should be supervising them! It’s your job!”

Me: “Thanks for calling [credit card company], how can I help you today?”

Caller: “I bought my crops on Farmville using your card. I forgot to water them and they’ve all died. Am I covered on purchase protection for that?”

Me: “Seriously?”

Caller: “I thought you’d be like that. Thanks anyway.” *click*

Me: “Thank you for calling [Pool Store], how may I help?”

Caller: “How much would a new pump be for my pool?”

Me: “Have you got an in-ground or an above-ground?”

Caller: *long pause* “I don’t know.”

Me: “You don’t know?”

Caller: “No! How could I?”

Me: “Alright. Go into your back yard, and run at the pool. If you fall in, it’s probably an in-ground. If you bounce off, it’s an above-ground.”

(I am on the phone.)

Me: “Dermatology, how may I help you?”

Patient: “Hi, I just had an autopsy done. I’d like to know my results.”

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