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    Archive for 2010

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    Psychic Psycho(Deli)c

    | Loxahatchee, FL, USA |

    Me: “Hey there, what can I get for you?”

    Customer: I”’d like half a pound of [brand that we carry] ham, and a quarter of a pound of [brand we do NOT carry] Swiss cheese.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry but we don’t carry the brand of cheese you were looking for. Can I get you something else?”

    Customer: “What do you mean you don’t carry it? I just bought it here last week!”

    Me: “But we don’t carry it ma’am. We do have about five other Swiss cheeses to choose from.”

    Customer: “Are you stupid? I’m looking right at the cheese I want!”

    (I walk around the counter to see her pointing at the regular brand of cheese that we’ve always carried, not the brand she was asking for.

    Me: “Oh, you asked for a different brand. I’m sorry about that, I’ll just go ahead and cut it.”

    Customer: “No , this is what I meant I wanted. You should have known!”

    Me: “I should have known what you really wanted when you said you wanted something else?”

    Customer: “Of course! Isn’t that part of your job?”

    Not Quite Out Of The Mouth Of Babes

    | Oklahoma, USA |

    (A customer and her 8 year old son approach me.)

    Customer: “My son peed on one of your aisles.”

    Customer’s son: *shouting* “I peed myself!”

    Customer: “Stop yelling!”

    Customer’s son: “I peed myself! I peed myself! I peed myself!”

    Me: “Why did you pee yourself?”

    Customer’s son: “My mom was taking to long and I told her I had to pee and she said ok so I peed myself. Am I in trouble?”

    Me: “No. We will just get this cleaned up. Just make sure next time you find the bathroom okay?”

    Customer’s son: “Okay. Where’s the bathroom? I gotta poop too.”

    No Intelligence Inside

    | Pottstown, PA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [second hand store]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “I’ve been trying to find games for my computer and I was wondering if you had any?”

    Me: “We have plenty of computer games. What kind of operating system are you running?”

    Customer: “Huh? It’s um…it’s a [computer brand].”

    Me: “Okay, but which operating system do you use?”

    Customer: “It’s a…[retail store]?”

    War Can Be Taxing

    | Coventry, CT, USA | History

    (I work at a house museum that specializes in Revolutionary War era history (1770s). In the gift shop, I am ringing a woman and her son out.

    Me: “Okay, so you’re buying a quill pen for $2 and some ink for $3. We don’t have tax, so your total will be $5 even.”

    Customer: “No taxes? Is that because taxes hadn’t been invented back then?”

    Me: “Actually, taxes are what we fought the whole Revolutionary War about.”

    Customer: “What war?”

    Something To Be Emo About

    | Houston, TX, USA |

    (A skinny teenager, dressed all in black, approaches us.)

    Customer: “Have you heard anything about last night’s Marilyn Manson concert?”

    Me: “Not really my thing, sorry.”

    Customer: “Oh, so I take it you don’t like Manson?”

    Me: “It’s just been done.”

    Customer: “I don’t get what you mean.”

    Me: “I mean the whole ‘evil’ shtick’s been done before. Alien Sex Fiend did it back in the 70s; Ozzie Osbourne did it; Alice Cooper did it. It’s been done.”

    Customer: *mulls on this for a moment* “Oh… oh, my God. You’re right!”


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