(A skinny teenager, dressed all in black, approaches us.)

Customer: “Have you heard anything about last night’s Marilyn Manson concert?”

Me: “Not really my thing, sorry.”

Customer: “Oh, so I take it you don’t like Manson?”

Me: “It’s just been done.”

Customer: “I don’t get what you mean.”

Me: “I mean the whole ‘evil’ shtick’s been done before. Alien Sex Fiend did it back in the ’70s; Ozzie Osbourne did it; Alice Cooper did it. It’s been done.”

Customer: *mulls on this for a moment* “Oh… oh, my God. You’re right!”

Customer: “Where’s your normal coffee?”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “I just want a bag of normal coffee, not flavored. Where’s your normal coffee?”

Me: “Oh, all of the coffees on the left side of the shelf are unflavored.”

Customer: “No, they’re all flavored.  They all say different flavors, like  ‘Ethiopia’.”

Me: “No, those aren’t flavors. All the ones with a country name are just normal, black coffees like you want. The country name is where the coffee was grown.”

Customer: “What! There’s no such country as Ethiopia!”

Me: “Well, it’s very far away, in Africa.”

Customer: “If you say so. So the ones with country names aren’t flavored?”

Me: “Nope.”

Customer: “Fine. I’ll take the stuff from France.”

Me: “Coffee doesn’t grow in France…”

Customer: “Yeah, that French Vanilla.”

This story is part of the Ignorant Coffee Customers roundup!

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Read the Ignorant Coffee Customers roundup!

Me: “Thank you for calling [Restaurant]. How can I help you?”

Caller: *irate* “Hi, I came in yesterday and ate one of your sandwiches and it tasted awful. I want a refund!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear about that experience, ma’am. Did you say this happened yesterday?”

Caller: “Yes, it was yesterday.”

Me: “As in Sunday? You’re sure this happened yesterday?”

Caller: “Yes. I went through the drive-thru yesterday and got a sandwich that tasted awful!”

Me: “Yesterday?”

Caller: “Yes, Sunday, yesterday, what’s the problem?”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry ma’am, but we’re closed on Sundays.”

Caller: “Your point?”

This story is part of our Customers Caught Lying roundup!

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Read the Customers Caught Lying roundup!

Customer: “Do you have anything made in Tennessee?”

Me: “It’s quite possible.”

Customer: “Well, what about Illinois?”

Me: “Maybe.”

Customer: “What about New Jersey?”

Me: “I’m not sure… You may find something.”

Customer: “But your sign says you sell goods from over 50 countries! That’s all of them!”

Me: “That’s states. It’s 50 countries outside the US.”

Customer: *baffled look* “Out… side?”

This story is part of the American States roundup!

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Me: “Hi, you’ve reached the office of admissions at [Private High School]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I’m looking at schools for my daughter, and I was wondering if you could tell me some of the benefits of your school.”

(I discuss the benefits of being a student at my high school.)

Caller: “Are you a student here?”

Me: “Yes.”

Caller: “Do you see the programs changing in the next few years?”

Me: “How many years?”

Caller: “Well, my daughter is starting preschool in a month.”