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    Archive for 2010

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    Emergency Services Must Be Pooped

    | Tampa, FL, USA |

    (I get dispatched to a call: ‘1 year old male, possibly crying’. We get on scene and the mother opens the front door with a happy and healthy baby in her arms.)

    Me: “Hi, ma’am. What seems to be the problem today?”

    Mother: “Well, my baby just looked terrible so I freaked out and called you guys.”

    Me: “It’s not a problem. Can you tell me what happened?”

    Mother: “Well it was right after dinner. He looked confused, turned bright red, and started crying uncontrollably.”

    Me: “And when did he stop crying?”

    Mother: “He just stopped right before you guys got here. I changed his diaper, and here we are.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I think I know what the problem is. Your baby was just constipated.”

    (At this point, the grandmother walks in the room.)

    Grandmother: “You called 911? He had to poop! I told you he wasn’t ready for solid food! I’m sorry, guys. You can go back to the people who really need your help. I got this.”

    When Your Number Is Up

    | Nova Scotia, Canada |

    Customer: “Hi, I’m here for the immunization clinic.”

    Me: “Sir, this is a bingo hall.”

    Customer: “You’re mistaken, the people at the hospital told me to come here.”

    Me: “Sorry sir, this is a bingo hall. I don’t know why they would tell you to come here.”

    Customer: “What are those people doing here then?” *points at the people playing bingo*

    Me: “They’re playing bingo, sir.”

    Customer: “You’re lying to me! You just want me to die!”

    If Someone Asks You If You’re With God, You Say Yes

    | Brighton, UK |

    Patron: “I would like to make a complaint about God.”

    Me: “Pardon me?”

    Patron: “I come in here all the time! I am told this is the house of God and I never see him!”

    Me: “You do realize that you won’t physically ‘see’ God in the Church? House of God means you can come here to communicate with him, or seek counsel from those who do.”

    Patron: “Is that you?”

    Me: “I am qualified, yes.”

    Patron: “So you’re in direct communication with God?”

    Me: “I interpret the scriptures for guidance, and I pray. I don’t have direct communication.”

    Patron: “So you’re not with God?”

    Me: “I study him and his will.”

    Patron: “You’re not friends?”

    Me: “No.”

    Patron: “Not even colleagues?”

    Me: “No.”

    Patron: “Anyone around here higher up that might be?”

    Me: “No more than anyone else I’m afraid.”

    Patron: “What about that Pope guy? He’s always talking about what God said.”

    Me: “You could try.”

    Patron: “Is he around? Can you call him down?”

    Health Care(less)

    | Greenville, SC, USA |

    Me: “That will be $43.78, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Oh, no it won’t.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, did you have insurance? You weren’t in the system. Do you have your card on you?”

    Customer: “No, I don’t have insurance. Obama said health care is free.”

    Me: “I don’t think that’s how it works, ma’am.”

    If It Walks Like A Duck And Quacks Like A Fish

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    Customer: “I think my dog is allergic to this food I bought here.”

    Me: “That’s too bad. Would you like to exchange it for another kind?”

    Customer: “It’s the fish in it. I thought fish was good for dogs.”

    Me: “It is unless they are allergic to it, every dog is different. Why don’t you try this one? It has duck in it.”

    Customer: “Duck? Duck is fish!”

    Me: “No, it’s not.”

    Customer: “Well, what is it then?”

    Me: “Ducks are birds.”

    Customer: “But they go in the water!”


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