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    Cinnamon Never Tasted So Bitter

    | Michigan, USA | Uncategorized

    (I work at a grocery store where our policy is to take a customer to the aisle of the item they are looking for instead of just telling them the aisle number.)

    Customer: “Um, excuse me! Where do you keep your cinnamon?”

    Me: “It’s in the baking aisle. If you follow me, I can take you over to the right aisle.”

    Customer: “No. Can’t you just tell me where it is? I’m sick of you people. All I want to do is buy my groceries and you all keep saying hello to me and smiling at me! Where’s the d*** aisle?”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, cinnamon is located in aisle 8.”

    Customer: “I want to speak to your manager. You people are too f***ing cheerful. I can’t stand it!”

    When Common Sense Goes Naval Gazing

    | New York, NY, USA | Uncategorized

    (I serve on a Canadian Naval vessel, and while on an exercise our ship comes alongside in New York and offers tours to any civilians who wish to see the ship. I am on duty when a group of Americans come on board for a tour. At the end of the tour, one gentleman comes up to me.)

    Tourist: “Excuse me, when does the ship leave?”

    Me: “We’re in port for another two days before we head back to sea, sir.”

    Tourist: “But we’re here today. Can’t we take the tour now?”

    Me: “I beg your pardon, sir? Didn’t you just take the tour?”

    Tourist: “We saw the ship, but when do we go to [town the ship is named after]?”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry sir, but the tours are of the ship only.”

    Tourist: “But when do you sail to [town name]?”

    Me: “Well, we actually can’t, sir, because that town isn’t on the ocean.”

    Tourist: “Well, that’s stupid! How are we supposed to sail there? Never mind, where is the ship going next then, and when do we have to be here?”

    Me: “Well, if you’d like to watch us leave, we will be shoving off around 10 o’clock on Sunday, sir.”

    Tourist: “And where are we going then?”

    Me: “Well, I can’t disclose where the ship is sailing next due to operational security, sir.”

    Tourist: “Then how are we supposed to get back?”

    (Thankfully at this point the man’s wife jumps in.)

    Tourist’s Wife: “This isn’t a cruise you moron! We just came to see the ship!”

    Tourist: *to me* “Well why didn’t you say that? Are you Canadians all stupid or something? No wonder we beat the s*** out of you in the war! If you didn’t surrender to everyone that waved a gun at you, you probably wouldn’t be so stupid!”

    (The tourist storms off the ship.)

    Tourist’s Wife: “I…um…yeah. May I have one of those free hats, please?”

    Early Bird-Brained

    | New Zealand | Top

    (I am at work doing a before-opening clean of the trolley handles and checkout counters.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, I’d like to buy these now please.”

    Me: “Um, ma’am, I’m not a checkout operator.”

    Customer: “Yes, but I’m here now and I’m running late, so can you just run these through the scanner for me?”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s five thirty. There are no checkout operators as we don’t open for another hour and a half.”

    Customer: “Oh, I was wondering why there wasn’t anyone in the Deli, but that’s okay because I went back behind the counter and got the ham out the freezer.”

    Me: “Ma’am, you’re not allowed to do that. How did you get in? The doors are locked until the security guard gets here.”

    Customer: “Oh, I broke the window because I thought your door wasn’t working. Can you run these through for me now?”

    Bird Brained
    Bird Brained, Part 2
    Bird Brained, Part 3
    Bird Brained, Part 4
    Bird Brained, Part 5

    Crumbled Translation

    | Cranston, RI, USA | Uncategorized

    Customer: “I need a rain check.”

    Me: “Alright, what do you need it for?”

    Customer: “Old, rotten potatoes.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t think I heard you right. Would you please repeat that?”

    Customer: “Old, rotten potatoes!”

    Me:” I don’t believe we sell those.”

    Customer: “Yes you do. I saw them in the sale flyer!” *points to flyer which says ‘Au Gratin Potatoes’*

    Hard Sell, Soft Drinks

    | Los Altos, CA, USA | Uncategorized

    Customer: “Hi, do you have any diet soda water?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t think that exists.”

    Customer: “Yeah it does. I’ve bought it here before.”

    Me: “Ma’am, diet soda water is pretty much diet water.”

    Customer: “That’s okay too. Do you have that?”

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