(I am at work doing a before-opening clean of the trolley handles and checkout counters.)

Customer: “Excuse me, I’d like to buy these now, please.”

Me: “Um, ma’am, I’m not a checkout operator.”

Customer: “Yes, but I’m here now and I’m running late, so can you just run these through the scanner for me?”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s five-thirty. There are no checkout operators as we don’t open for another hour and a half.”

Customer: “Oh, I was wondering why there wasn’t anyone in the deli, but that’s okay because I went back behind the counter and got the ham out of the freezer.”

Me: “Ma’am, you’re not allowed to do that. How did you get in? The doors are locked until the security guard gets here.”

Customer: “Oh, I broke the window because I thought your door wasn’t working. Can you run these through for me now?”

This story is part of our “Main Character” energy customers roundup!

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Customer: “Hi, do you have any diet soda water?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t think that exists.”

Customer: “Yeah it does. I’ve bought them here before.”

Me: “Well, diet soda water is pretty much diet water.”

Customer: “That’s okay, too. Do you have that?”

This story is included in our impossible requests roundup!

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Me: “Thank you for calling [Store], how may I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, you just rented me this movie, and it doesn’t work.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “It keeps playing the same scene over and over again.”

Me: “The same scene keeps playing?”

Customer: “Yeah, and it has these words written on it. ‘Play’, ‘Scene Selection’, ‘Language’ and ‘Special Features’.”

Me: “Uh, sir, that’s the DVD menu. You just have to click ‘Play’ and the movie will start.”

Customer: “Well, that’s the first time I’ve heard of that. How do I do that?”

Me: “Uh, just hit the arrow buttons on your remote until you get to ‘Play’, then hit ‘Enter’ and the movie will start. Or, if you have a ‘Play’ button, just hit that.”

Customer: “Okay, where is that on my remote?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I don’t know what your remote looks like.”

Customer: “Never mind, I found it. Okay, I’m clicking ‘Play’. Well now it just went black! Oh, now it has something different. Can you stay on the line with me for a little to make sure that scene doesn’t start repeating again?”

Customer: “I need a rain check.”

Me: “All right, what do you need it for?”

Customer: “Old, rotten potatoes.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t think I heard you right. Would you please repeat that?”

Customer: “Old, rotten potatoes!”

Me:” I don’t believe we sell those.”

Customer: “Yes, you do. I saw them in the sale flyer!” *points to a flyer which says ‘Au Gratin Potatoes’*

This story is part of our Tongue-Tied Customers roundup!

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Customer: “I’m looking for pants for my daughter.”

Me: “Okay, what size is your daughter?”

Customer: “She’s fat like you.”

Me: “Okay, so I’m a medium. Does your daughter wear mediums?”

Customer: “No. She’s fat like you. She needs fat pants.”

Me: “So, would a large be okay?”

Customer: “Fat pants. Large is too small.”

Me: “Large is the biggest size we have.”

Customer: “Give me your pants, then.”

This story is part of the Embarrassing Parents roundup!

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Read the Embarrassing Parents roundup!