Customer: “I have a smoking fee on my bill but I didn’t smoke in the room!”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, the security officer last night saw you with a lit cigarette in your hand when he went to your room last night.”

Customer: “Well, it wasn’t me! I didn’t smoke last night!”

Me: “I’m really sorry, but if anyone smoked in the room last night we have to charge you for it since it was your room.”

Customer: “But even if it wasn’t me?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. Security said that someone was smoking in the room.”

Customer: “But I put it out right away! I didn’t smoke any more after that!”

Me: “So you did actually smoke in the room then?”

Customer: “Can I just pay half the fee since I only smoked half the cigarette?”

(A customer approaches the ticket drop, holding a half bottle of wine.)

Me: “You cannot bring that in here, ma’am. That is against the law.”

Customer: “What! I need to bring this in! I can’t just leave it in my car! There is a law about open containers being in cars in this state.”

Me: “How did you manage to bring it all the way here, then?”

Customer: “Oh, it wasn’t opened when I left. I drank it on the way here.”

Me: “So you had an open container and you were drinking on the way here in your car?”

Customer: “No! I hung the bottle out the window on the way here, and put my head out the window when I was drinking, so it doesn’t count!”

Me: “Okay, I’m going to call the police now. You wait here.”

Customer: “Okay! Is he going to hold this for me while I watch my movie?”

Me: “Okay, for a library card I need ID the verifies your address.”

Patron: *recites address*

Me: “I need proof that is your address, like your ID or a bill.”

Patron: *recites address again*

Me: “I’m sorry. I need proof.”

(The patron walks away and comes back with another patron.)

Patron: “Will you please tell this lady where I live to prove it?”

(A tourist is in line to get a ticket.)

Tourist: “Can I have a ticket to Loogahgbaroogah?”

Me: “Sorry, where?”

Tourist: “Loogahbaroogah.”

Me: Sir, there is no rail station in the UK called Loogahbaroogah.”

Tourist: “But…”

Me: “Did you mean Loughbrough?” (It’s pronounced ‘Luffbruh’)

(The tourist gets his ticket and walks off, followed by the next customer in line.)

Next Customer: “It’s a good job he didn’t want my ticket. Return to Llanelli, please.”

Me: “Would you like a free year of anti-virus for this computer?”

Customer: “No, that is too expensive! In my country, we can get it for about $16 USD!”

Me: “Well, in this country you get it for free when you buy a computer.”

Customer: “No, it’s too expensive. You give me a deal?”

Me: “I can charge you $16 US Dollars for the anti-virus.”

Customer: “Okay! You see? You gave me a deal.”