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A Model Perspective

, , , , | Right | December 21, 2010

(A customer is visiting South Devon where there are a lot of tourist attractions including a very popular model village. He has just been on a tour and is now looking out over the town from a hillside.)

Customer: “You have a good view here. Is that the Model Village over there?”

Me: “No, sir. That is an example of perspective.”


This story is part of the More Clueless Tourists roundup!

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The Conversation Has Taken A Sudden Dive

, , , , , , , | Right | December 21, 2010

(I am answering basic questions for a potential skydiving customer.)

Customer: “How long is the free-fall part?”

Me: “About thirty to forty seconds.”

Customer: “Thirty seconds!? I thought it was like five minutes? That’s how it is in the movies!”

Me: “But that’s in movies. Actual skydives average about a thirty- to forty-second free-fall.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “Because that’s how long it takes to fall from the highest altitude that you can safely jump from.”

Customer: “If I’m going to pay $250 to jump, I want to fall for five minutes.”

Me: “Might I point out that it doesn’t even take objects in space five minutes to fall to earth? You could be in orbit and not get a five-minute free-fall.”

Customer: “So, if I call around, no one will be able to give me five minutes?”

Me: “No, ma’am.”

Customer: “Is there any way you guys could fly the plane higher so I’d fall for five minutes?”

Me: “No, ma’am, we cannot do that. Besides the fact that it is physically impossible, you would die. If you’re still hung up on this five-minute thing, call NASA and tell it to them.”

Customer: “Oh, so they do that?”


This story is part of the Sarcastic Responses roundup!

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Not-A-Brainer Might Have Been More Apt

, , , , , | Right | December 21, 2010

Me: “We do have seats available on that flight, but if you were willing to leave an hour later the fare would be $200 less. Would that work for you?”

Elderly Customer: “That’s not a brainer!”

Me: *laughing*

Elderly Customer: “That’s what the kids say, ‘not a brainer.’ I’m going to use it on my grandson to show I’m hip with the kids.”

Me: “I think ‘that’s a no-brainer’ might be more usual.”

Elderly Customer: “You know what else the kids say? ‘Go f*** yourself’!”


This story is part of our Shocking Old People roundup!

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Business Daze

, , , , | Right | December 21, 2010

(The customer has a covered hardware issue. It’s the Tuesday before Thanksgiving.)

Me: “I’m going to request that a replacement device be sent to you, free of charge. You should receive your replacement in two business days.”

Customer: “I shouldn’t have to wait two business days! You need to make it arrive Friday!”

Me: “I understand your frustration sir, but tomorrow is Wednesday and the second business day is Friday. Thursday is the holiday.”

Customer: “You make it get here Friday!”

Me: “Sir, Wednesday is one business day. Friday is two business days. You will have your replacement on Friday.”

Customer: “Put your supervisor on!”

Supervisor: *after greeting the customer and looking at the details for the replacement* “What can I do for you, sir?”

Customer: “That girl’s trying to teach me how to count!”


This story is part of our Thanksgiving roundup!

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Hugh Grant & Julia Roberts Would Disagree

, , , , | Right | December 20, 2010

(Two tourists are buying London Underground train tickets to Notting Hill.)

Tourist #1: “Where are we going?”

Tourist #2: “Notting Hill. It’s where Robin of Sherwood is from.”


This story is part of the More Clueless Tourists roundup!

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