(The customer orders a large mix of cake batter and chocolate ice creams, with cookie dough mixed in.)

Customer: “Do you know how many calories are in this?”

Me: “I don’t know. Probably over 1000.”

Customer: “Oh God, you’re kidding right? Please tell me you’re kidding. I’m on a diet and I can’t have anything over 100 calories.”

Me: “Sorry to hear that.”

Customer: “I feel horrible about myself. I’m going to get fat. Please, tell me it’s under 100 calories.”

Me: “Okay. It’s 95.”

Customer: *instantly perks up* “Really? I can’t believe this whole thing is only 95 calories! I feel great about myself now!”

(The customer skips off and goes to her girlfriends, bragging about how she’s sticking to her diet.)

Me: “Hi thank you for calling [pizza chain]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I ordered a pizza two hours ago and it still hasn’t arrived.”

Me: “I am sorry about that, sir. Can I get your phone number? We can see what happened.”

(The customer gives me the phone number.)

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but it appears your order was placed for carryout.”

Customer: “Oh, I don’t understand what that means.”

Me: “Well, it means you need to actually come down to the store and pick it up.”

Customer: “Oh, I thought it meant you would carry it out to me.”

Me: “No sir, that would be delivery. Would you like me to switch it to delivery for you?

Customer: “What does that mean?”

Me: “Good afternoon you’re though to [phone company]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’m trying to work an application on my phone and it’s asking me for a star sign, but you guys haven’t given me one.”

Me: “We would not give you a star sign. Those are to do with the stars and when you were born.”

Customer: “I didn’t sign up for that!”

Me: “It’s not something to sign up for; it’s to do with the constellations around the date of your birth. For example, I am a Pisces.”

Customer: “What am I then?”

(I check online using the date of birth on record.)

Me: “You are Aquarius the water bearer.”

Customer: “Eh?”

Me: “Your zodiac is Aquarius.”

Customer: “My what?”

Me: “Never mind. You are an Aquarius.”

Customer: “So do I just put that into the phone then?”

Me: “Give it a try!”

Customer: “Will do! If I’m not an Aquarius, can I call back?”

Me: “How can I help you today, sir?”

Customer: “I’m looking for light weight shirts, I’m going on vacation!”

Me: “Well, that’s very exciting. Where to?”

Customer: “Vietnam. Haven’t been to that d*** place in over forty years!”

Me: “Wow, sir. That must be quite a bit for you.”

Customer: “You bet. At least I know I’ll only be shooting a camera this time!”

(We have dummy displays set up of all the phones we sell.)

Me: “Hello sir, can I help you with a new cell phone today?”

Customer: “No. I’m just looking for a new battery for my phone.”

Me: “Sorry, but we don’t carry batteries for cell phones. You might try the battery store across the street.”

Customer: “How much to buy one of the displays?”

Me: “Well those are just dummy phones.”

Customer: “I know that. I just want to take the battery from it.”

(This at the DVD release of the Twilight Movie, two men approach the desk. They are Caucasian.)

Customer #1: “Hey lend me some money, I wanna buy this movie!”

Customer #2: “Naw, get your own cash!”

Customer #1: “C’mon, this movie got leprechauns!”

Customer #2: “Dang, I ain’t gonna give you no cash!”

Customer #1: “Man you spoozy!”

(Customer #1 walks off, returns with Twilight.)

Customer #1: “C’mon! It’s on sale! Jus’ lend me 20!”

Customer #2: “Alright fine, take it.”

Customer #1: *looking at me* “Eh man, know what this movie’s about?”

Me: “Well–”

Customer #2: *pointing at the characters on the cover* “This one’s a vampire, and this b**** don’t know ’bout it!”

(I work at a self-serve frozen yogurt shop, where people get their own yogurt and toppings then pay by weight.)

Customer: “Excuse me, you should be supervising this store. These kids are putting their fingers in the toppings. It’s not clean!”

(I look around for a parent, but there seems to be nobody else of suitable age in the shop.)

Me: “Are these your children?”

Customer: “Yes, but you should be supervising them! It’s your job!”

Me: “Thanks for calling [credit card company], how can I help you today?”

Caller: “I bought my crops on Farmville using your card. I forgot to water them and they’ve all died. Am I covered on purchase protection for that?”

Me: “Seriously?”

Caller: “I thought you’d be like that. Thanks anyway.” *click*