(I work in security at a huge outlet mall. Occasionally, shoppers can’t find their car and we drive them around looking for it.)

Customer: “It seems my car was stolen. It definitely isn’t where I parked it.”

Me: “Okay, let’s drive around and just make sure it isn’t here.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous. I was here a year ago and it got stolen then, also!”

(We drive around the lots and all of a sudden she starts yelling.)

Customer: “Oh my god I don’t believe it! It’s here!

Me: “That’s your car?”

Customer: “No! I mean yes! That’s my car from last year. That’s right, that IS where I parked it!”

(I’m serving a family at the box office. The wife keeps looking nervously at the Vampires Suck poster we have on display.)

Me: “You’ll be in Cinema 6 for Tomorrow. Enjoy your movie guys!”

Wife: “Excuse me, I just have one question.”

Me: “Yes?”

Wife: *leans in close* “Are people actually watching Vampires Suck?”

Me: “Yes, it’s very popular with young teenagers and has sold out a few times.”

Wife: “But… but… it’s insulting Twilight!”

Me: “I know, I saw it too.”

(The husband quickly grabs his wife by the arm before she can say anything else.)

Customer:“Hey I was wondering if you sold some of that ‘Ahhhdorol’ or ‘Ridalaain’?”

Me: “No those are prescription drugs. All we sell here is Advil and caffeine pills.”

Customer: “D*** it! My son has ADHD. You know…Attention Defiant Hyper Disorder?”

(I am the customer in this story. I am looking for a certain book on WWII, but am having trouble finding the section.)

Employee: “Hey, could I help you find something?”

Me: “Ah, yes! I’m trying to find [book]. Could you help me?”

(The employee has a very wide-eyed surprised look. She slowly nods and motions for me to follow.)

Employee: *speaking loudly and slowly* “Sir, these help?”

Me: “No, I’m looking for History.”

Employee: “Umm…” *looks down the books and hands me a Russian-English dictionary.*

Me: “Ah, I wasn’t speaking English was I?” (She shakes her head and I laugh.) “Sorry about that, I was looking for [book].”

(The employee laughs and takes me to where I had wanted to go, the rest of our conversation thankfully in English.)

(I work in a very small café and there is a line heading out the door. A customer is ordering when a woman comes in and walks up to the front of the line.)

Male Coworker: “Miss? There is a line.”

Customer: “Ever heard of ‘ladies first’?”

Male Coworker: “I understand that, ma’am, but you are also cutting in front of many other women who have been patiently waiting.”

Customer: “I am a woman. I have rights! I don’t have to listen to you!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid he’s right. You do need to go to the end of the line.”

Customer: *looking disappointed* “But…but…what about girl power?”

(I used to work at a call center that sells PC remote control software.)

Me: “Good evening, you’re speaking with [name], from [company], would you be interested in our software?”

(I explain what the software is about, it’s monthly fee and what its requirements are, which is basically internet.)

Caller: “Yes, I’ll take one for two years.”

Me: “So you’ve got all the requirements, even internet?”

Caller: “I’ve got internet, I just take the cable out of the phone and stick it in my computer, right?”

Me: “Sir, do you have some kind of modem or router?”

Caller: “No, but I’ve got my phone cable. That’s how internet gets in, right?”

Me: “Sir, since the program is not going to work unless you have internet, I’m not going to sell you a two year prescription.”

Caller: “But I want it!”

(When taking a call from a customer who has a trash pickup problem I usually pull up an aerial picture to see what the property configuration is.)

Me: “How may I help you sir?”

Caller: “I think the garbage truck ran over my cement pad and broke the corner.”

Me: “You mean the small pad on the north side of the driveway?”

Caller: *long pause* “Do you memorize everyone’s property?”

Me: “No, I pulled up your property on my computer and I’m looking at a picture of your front yard.”

Caller: “Wow! That’s really amazing! Wait, wait, give me a second!”

(The customer drops the phone and I can hear him calling someone as he leaves the room. About one minute later he gets back on the phone and is slightly out of breath.)

Caller: “Can you see her now?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t understand?”

Caller: “My wife, my wife, she’s out on the front lawn in the white bathrobe and curlers. I can see her waving up at you!”

(I am working in a lingerie department and a male customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Hi, I need help with something.”

Me: “Sure what are you looking for?”

Customer: “I need a bra for my wife.”

(We go through different types and styles.)

Me: “So what size is she?”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Is she an A,B,C? How big is her back size?”

Customer: “Well she’s smaller than you, not that you’re not pretty!”

Me: “Right, okay. Is she the same shape as any of the other girls here?”

(Finally we find a 32C bra and he wanders off happy. Ten minutes later he comes back up to me, slightly flustered.)

Customer: “I cant find 32C panties!”