(I am talking to a woman on the phone who needs to call back the next day. She is in Texas).

Caller: “What time is it there?”

Me: “Three thirty.”

Caller: “In the morning?”

Me: “No, in the afternoon.”

Caller: “Oh. Of what day?”

Me: “Saturday. We’re only three hours different from you.”

Caller: “Really?” *pause* “Is it snowing?”

Me: “No ma’am, its August. Its nice and sunny out.”

Caller: “Oh wow!”

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Yukon Freeze It
No Vocation For Location
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 4
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 3
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 2
No Fortitude For Longitude
No Aptitude For Latitude

Customer: “I’ll have the chicken salad.”

Me: “Alright.”

Customer: “Is there MSG in it?”

Me: “There might be some in the dressing, I can check for you. Are you allergic?

Customer: “No, it just gives me diarrhea.”

Me: “Uh…ok?”

Customer’s friend: “That’s too much information!”

Customer: “No she needs to know. You need to know right?”

*pause*

Me: *nervous laughter* “Oh, absolutely.”

(A middle aged couple come into the tropical fish section and ask me about their algae-eating fish.)

Customer: "Hello, we bought some algae eaters a while back, and they died after about 2 weeks. We bought some more and they did exactly the same after 2 weeks and we were just wondering what could have been wrong with them?"

Me: "What have you been feeding them?"

Customer: "Nothing, we thought they ate the algae."

Me: "They do, if there’s enough to go around."

Customer: “Oh dear. Well they did keep the glass awfully clear."

(These customers are usually regulars and rant with us.)

Customer: “Those d*** telemarketers keep calling me at home. I swear, one of these days, I’m going to find those f***s and gun them down!”

Me: “Aww, that’s hardly fair. They’re just doing their job, you know?”

Customer: “Yeah, well that’s what the Nazis said at Nuremberg.”

Me: “Are you honestly trying to comparing somebody calling you at home inconveniently equal to genocide?”

Customer: “D*** right it is. They should do something about it too! Hold a trial or something.”

Me: “Sir, I don’t think it’s really fair to make that sort of judgment on any individual.”

Customer: “Oh, so you’re saying that what the Nazis did was okay?”

Me: “Not at all. Just that it’s a bit of a stretch.”

Customer: “Uh huh…you seem like the kind of guy who’d stand up for the terrorists, too wouldn’t you? I bet if they built a mosque on Ground Zero, you’d be okay with that, too!?”

Me: “They’re already doing that.”

Customer: “Wait, what!?”

(I am ringing up a customer. She has bought one large jug of ice-cream, a bag of chips, and dip.)

Me: “Did you find everything okay?”

Customer: “Just fine…. just fine.”

(I notice she’s looking me over up and down, but I try to ignore it.)

Customer: “How are you so skinny?”

Me: “Sorry?”

Customer: “How are you skinnier than me? It’s so unhealthy!”

Me: “Uh, well I’m normally like this. I exercise, and I try to stay fit.”

Customer: “Oh, so you’re saying I’m not!? I can’t believe this. Just because I’m buying ice-cream and chips, doesn’t mean I’m unhealthy!”

Me: “I know it doesn’t ma’am. I eat ice-cream too.”

Customer: “Wait, you do?”

Me: “All the time, ma’am.”

Customer: “Oh… no wonder why you’re more bigger than me. You should take care of yourself more.”

(We will be opening a new Asia section in the spring. The area is visible, but guests can’t walk through it yet.)

Guest: “Excuse me, what is that over there?”

Me: “That’s going to be our new Asia exhibit.”

Guest: “Is it going to have panda bears?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry ma’am, its not.”

Guest: “Why not?”

Me: “Well, all of the pandas that you see in zoos are actually owned by China, and the zoos have to pay $1 million per year to rent each panda. They even have to pay for any babies born, and have to sign a contract that all of the pandas belong to China. It’s just too expensive.”

Guest: “But I thought the 14th Amendment guaranteed citizenship to any baby born here! Those should be our pandas!”

Customer: “I’m looking for a cable to hook my [brand] cell phone up to the computer. The plug looks like this.” *the customer shows me the broken end of a cable*

Me: “This doesn’t look like the plug for any [brand] phone I’ve ever seen. May I see the phone?”

(The customer hands me his phone, which is a bulky, inelegant phone/camera/portable TV and very obviously not a [brand].)

Me: “Sir, who told you this phone was a [brand]?”

Customer: “Some guy in Boston I bought it from. See, right there is the logo.”

(The customer points to a logo on the phone that looks exactly like the logo for one of [brand]‘s famous product lines, but it is slightly modified so that one of the letters is different.)

Me: “Well, I think I see the problem. This is definitely not a [brand]; it’s a cheap Chinese knock-off, and that logo has one of the letters changed. See?”

Customer: “Let’s look at the manual. I’ve got it here.”

(The customer begins thumbing through what looks like a photocopied manual full of tiny text written in bad English.)

Customer: “You’d think the guys at [brand] would be able to write clearer instructions.”

Me: “Sir, I really recommend that you bring that item back if you can.”

Customer: “No way, I bought this because it’s a phone that doesn’t need the web. All they have these days are smart phones that go on the web. But I’m not smart.”

Me: “Did the guy in Boston tell you that?”

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Not So Smart-Card

Customer: “Didn’t you have glasses on last time you checked me out?”

Me: “No, I don’t wear glasses.”

Customer: “Are you sure? Maybe you just wear them occasionally?”

Me: “No, I don’t need glasses. I’m one of the only people in my family who doesn’t.”

Customer: “But I know there was something different about you last time. I know I’ve seen your face before just on a different body.”