Me: *answering phone* "How may I direct your call?"

*silence*

Me: "Hello?"

(After repeating this a few times, I hear fumbling on the other end.)

Caller: "Hello?"

Me: "Hello, sir. How may I direct your call?"

Caller: "I’m sorry, you’ve got the wrong number."

Me: "But…you called me."

(I’m supervising on a Sunday afternoon, our slowest day of the week. We’ve only been open a couple hours and have only made maybe 4 or 5 sandwiches. A customer calls in with a complaint.)

Caller: “Excuse me, I ordered a sandwich from you this morning and it is just terrible! You toasted it too much and it just fell apart when I bit into it!”

Me: “Well that’s odd, sir. If a sandwich was toasted too long it would normally burn long before it would dry out like that. What did you order?”

Caller: “Chicken.”

Me: “I can’t find your order in the system. Could you tell me what time you were here?”

Caller: “This morning sometime.”

Me: “We weren’t open this morning, sir. We open at noon on Sundays.”

Caller: “Well, maybe it was after noon then.”

Me: “Okay, well I’ve been here all day and I don’t recall serving a chicken sandwich to a gentleman today.”

Caller: “It was my wife who came in.”

Me: “I’m looking through today’s orders on the computer, and I haven’t served any chicken sandwich today. Are you sure you came to this location?”

Caller: “Yes. And it was last night. I talked to the manager and he said you’d give me a free sandwich today.”

Me: “I was the manager last night too, sir.”

Caller: “You’re not going to give me a free sandwich, are you?”

Me: “No, sir. I’m not.”

Caller: “Okay, then.” *hangs up*

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(The customer spends several minutes staring at a selection of fudge, trying to decide which one she wants. Her daughter is standing in line with her.)

Customer: “Yes, I’d like a piece of caramel chocolate squirrel.”

Me: “Um…”

Daughter: “Mooommm!”

Customer: “What?”

Daughter: “It’s chocolate caramel swirl! I don’t think we want a chocolate caramel squirrel.”

(Around 2 a.m, a man comes in and is searching up and down the aisle I am stocking.)

Me: "Hello sir, can I help you find anything?"

Customer: "No, it’s much too embarrassing to ask for."

Me: "Okay, well let me know."

(He walks away and continues searching. Five minutes later he’s back.)

Customer: "I’ve decided I don’t care how embarrassing it is."

Me: "Okay."

Customer: "Where’s the lube!?"

(It’s about 32C (89F) outside, so pretty hot. A fairly large lady comes into the shop wearing an enormous, thick fleece sweater and comes up to a colleague and myself at the desk.)

Customer: “Warm today!”

Me: “Certainly is! Can we help you?”

Customer: “I need an outfit for a wedding. But now I’m here I think I’m too hot to try on clothes. Here, feel how hot I am!”

(Before I can stop her, she grabs my hand from the desk and wipes it across her very, very sweaty forehead. I’m speechless.)

Customer: “See?!”

Me: *trying to discreetly wipe my hand on my leg* “Yes, you’re clearly very hot indeed. Maybe you could find some clothes and try them at home? You can return them, that’s no problem.”

Customer: “Oh, I may as well now I’m here. I could also do with being measured for a new bra. Have you got any fitters in today?”

(My colleague, who is the store’s lingerie specialist, suddenly goes wide-eyed and jumps in immediately.)

Colleague: “I… No. No, we do not! Not today.”

(I work in for a directory enquiries company, and if a customer is calling from a cellular phone, I can text them the number requested free of charge.)

Me: “[Directory Enquiries], what number please?”

Customer: “I called a few minutes ago and your useless colleague said he’d text me a number and he didn’t. I’d like a
refund!”

Me: “I’m terribly sorry about that, ma’am, could you tell me the number you were looking for so I can find it first of all?”

(The customer tells me the business.)

Me: “Actually, ma’am, it was myself that you spoke to a few minutes ago, and I did text you the number.”

Customer: “Well I didn’t get it. There must be a problem with your system! Give me a refund!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t offer refunds on the text service as it’s free of charge. I have just sent it again, so you should receive two texts now.”

Customer: “Well give me a refund for the call then! This is unacceptable! Your system is screwed!”

Me: “We have received no other complaints regarding the text service today, so I would suggest that you make a call to your service provider as it sounds like there’s traffic congestion on your network.”

Customer: “Traffic congestion? But I’m not even driving!”

Customer: "What sort of fuel economy does this one have?"

Me: "Sir, you’re in the wrong lot. That’s another customer’s car."

Customer: "So this one’s reserved? What about the blue one over there?"

Me: "You need to go back to the front of the building. These are all the cars that other customers drove here in."

Customer: "Wait, what? So I can just drive them?"

Me: "No. You can test drive a specific unit of each of our models, but these cars belong to other people."

Customer: "So you’re just going to deprive me of everything? Fine! I’m leaving!"

(He kicks another car on the way out.)

Customer: "Wait… f***! That’s mine!”

Customer: “Excuse me, do you have any black paper?”

Me: “Sorry, we have lots of colors of paper, but no black. There is black construction paper on the art supply aisle, though.”

Customer: “Why don’t you have any here?”

Me: “Because it would be really hard to see the ink on a black piece of paper, so most of our paper colors are bright, pastel or white.”

Customer: “You don’t have white ink like the other printers?”

Me: “There is white ink, but I’m pretty sure it’s used for printing on fabric, not on paper.”

Customer: “Then how did they make this?”

(She shows me a flyer with a black background and white text.)

Me: “That’s called knockout text, the black background is printed with ink, and the white lettering is just the white paper underneath. I can certainly do something like that for you if you want.”

Customer: “Well, that’s just wasteful. Can’t you put some white-out in your machine and print on black paper?”

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