(After my shift, I am shopping in the store I work at. I am not wearing my name tag, but still wearing a plain blue polo and black slacks.)

Customer: “Excuse me! You work here, don’t you?”

Me: “Well, yeah but not right now I actually just–”

Customer: “Can you find these shoes for me?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m done for the day. I just clocked out.”

Customer: “Then what are you doing here?”

Me: “I’m shopping too.”

Customer: “You shouldn’t be allowed to do that!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “You guys shouldn’t be allowed to shop while normal people are shopping! I want to speak to your manager!”

(I’m working at a football stadium at a Bon Jovi concert. A drunk customer orders a water.)

Customer: “Why can I not have the cap to this!?”

Me: “It’s policy that we can’t give them to you. People used to throw full bottles onto the field and stages during events and it’s a safety hazard for the performers, athletes, and other members of the audience.”

Customer: *absolutely serious* “Why would ANYONE want to throw ANYTHING at Bon Jovi?!”

(I am stocking shelves, a customer comes up asking for assistance to find an item.)

Customer: “I need to find some Eight O’s corn.”

Me: “I’m not familiar with that brand, ma’am, but I will do my best to help. Are you looking for corn that is fresh, frozen or canned?”

Customer: “How am I supposed to know that? It’s Eight O’s corn!”

Me:  “Well, is it cold?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “It is probably in our frozen section, then. Let’s go take a look.”

(After pointing out our selection of frozen corn, she picks up a bag of store brand frozen corn excitedly.)

Customer: “This is it! Eight O’s!”

(I look at the item and see she has picked up an 8 oz. bag).

Me: “Alright sir, in order to get this taken care of we will need to know the manufacturer of brand name of the product.”

Customer: “I’m sorry, I don’t quite understand.”

Me: “The company that makes the product.”

Customer: “I still don’t understand.”

Me: “It will state who makes it on the product.”

Customer: “Oh, I know! It was China!”

Customer: “Our daughter is looking for a book called Antonyms and Cinnamons.”

(I type it into our search system, but no dice.)

Me: “Would you know the author’s name?”

Customer: “No, I forget. It was something weird though. She wrote it down, but I forget.”

Me: “Might you mean Antonyms and Synonyms?”

Customer: “Yes! That’s it!”

(I search again.)

Me: “Nothing with that exact title is coming up. Was there more to it?”

Customer: “The author’s name. It was something funny. Sounded like a dinosaur. Wait, I think I might have it here.”

(She searches through her pockets and fishes out a little folded piece of paper.)

Customer: “Here it is. Antonyms and Cinnamons by Theo Saurus!’”

(I am trying to help a customer with a product while she is talking on the phone to her friend. Every time she asks me a question, she would go back to talking to her friend while I gave her the answer so I would have to repeat myself.)

Customer: “Do you have something that will help me with my period?”

Me: “Dong Quai.”

Customer: “I’m not crying!”

Me: “No, the product is called Dong Quai.”

Customer: “Oh.”

Me: “Thank you for calling [store]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “My daughter is having her birthday in a few days. Do you do kids’ birthday parties?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Caller: “Do you come to people’s homes dressed up for kids’ birthday parties?  I was hoping for a princess theme.”

Me: “Ma’am, I believe you have to wrong number. This is a home improvement store.”

Caller: “No, I do not have the wrong number! I was told you do kids’ birthday parties!”

Me: “Uh, well…in our grocery department we sell candles. And cake mix. And frosting.”

Caller: “Oh, wonderful! Do you have decorations you could bring too?”

Me: “I’m not going to bring anything, but you could come in to our store to buy the cake supplies and some decorations from our wall-coverings department.”

Caller: “You have specific departments for kids’ birthdays? That’s wonderful! Where are you located and what are your hours?”

Me: “Ma’am, like I said before, you called a home improvement store. We, unfortunately, do not provide entertainment for children’s birthday parties, but we are located at [address] and our store hours are 6:30 AM to 10 PM.”

Caller: “Just perfect, you’ve been so helpful!  Have a wonderful day!” *hangs up*

Me: “Thanks for calling, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Could you make my phone number unlisted?”

Me: “Well, sir, I’ve got good news. Cellphone numbers aren’t listed in the phone book.”

Caller: “No, I mean make it so that if someone calls you guys and gives you my number, you won’t give them any information.”

Me: “Oh, well in that case you should know that we value our customers’ privacy. We would never give out any of your personal information to anyone who calls us.”

Caller: “Even if it’s the cops?”