(A customer approaches the front desk.)

Customer: “Can I get a large gauze and band aid? And maybe some ointment as well?”

Me: “What happened?”

Customer: “My son swam into the pool wall, and he cut his head open.”

Me: “Is he okay?”

Customer: “Yeah, just bleeding. He’s so used to swimming in the ocean with no walls. Poor thing.”

Me: “How old is your son?”

Customer: “19.”

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hair Salon]. How may I assist you?”

Customer: “Yes, I was in there last week and I got my hair done by [stylist].”

Me: “Okay. Is there a problem?”

Customer: “No, I think it looks great.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I’m a little confused. Is there something I can help you with?”

Customer: “Well, I’d like to come back in and have it re-done.”

Me: “Ma’am, I thought you said you liked it. Is there a problem?”

Customer: “Every time [stylist] does my hair my friends all tell me how great it looks, this time no one has even noticed I got it done. I’d like to come back in and have it re-done so people will notice it.”

Me: “Well, [stylist] is very busy this week. I’m not sure if he will be able to get you in.”

Customer: “But what am I supposed to do?!”

(By this time I had looked up her name from the caller ID and found the day she came in 6 days prior.)

Me: “I was here last Tuesday and I remember when you left, your hair looked amazing!”

Customer: “Oh really? Great! Tell [stylist] I’ll see him for my next appointment in 7 weeks, and I want the color he did this time. I just love it!”

(A caller says she’s found a kitten and is getting information on our services.)

Me: “…we also recommend spaying or neutering the kitten. This can be done around 4-6 months of age.”

Caller: “What would the cost be for that?”

Me: “A spay surgery runs about $100, and a neuter runs a little cheaper, around $70.  The spay is a bit more expensive because it’s more invasive and takes more time to do.”

Caller: “Oh, okay. I would definitely do the neuter since it’s cheaper.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, the surgery depends on the kitten’s gender. If it’s a female, it’ll be a spay, and if it’s a male, it’ll be a neuter.”

Caller: “Why the difference?”

(A family sits at a table in a restaurant specializing in steak dishes.)

Me: “Hi guys, welcome to [restaurant]. Let me just tell you about today’s special, the prime rib with–”

Customer: “We don’t need to hear this. Just stop.”

Me:”So, you already know about the special? Great! Would you like to start with any–”

Customer: “No! We’re vegetarians!”

Me: “Oh, alright, well we have a few vegetarian dishes on this–”

Customer: “No! Listen, we know what we want already.”

Me: “Okay, great. Go ahead.”

Customer: “Finally! The kids will have the chicken nuggets, my husband will have the chicken burger, and I’ll have the chicken strip salad.”

Me: “Sure. Anything else?”

Husband: “I’ll have extra bacon on the burger.”

Caller: “I can’t access [cable channel]!”

Me: “Okay, let me assess your problem. When was the last time you tried to access [channel]?”

Caller: “It was last night.”

Me: “Alright, was there any out-of-the-ordinary weather last night? Say, like a storm?”

Caller: “Yeah, there was a thunderstorm. I had nothing to do, so I was trying to watch [channel name], but it wouldn’t let me! It was all fuzzy on the screen.”

Me: “Sir, I think the thunderstorm interfered with your television power lines, which is why you couldn’t access your channel.”

Caller: “But I thought your cable company was supposed to make me able to watch any channel in any weather! That’s the whole reason I switched!”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, nothing can prevent Mother Nature. When she strikes, we cannot do anything to bring back channels that may have been lost momentarily.”

Caller: “Who’s ‘Mother Nature’? Is she the one sabotaging my TV?!”

Related: Naturally Stupid

(A customer of about 85 years old approaches customer service. It is Father’s Day.)

Customer: “Where do you keep your belts?”

Me: “Over in the men’s department.”

Customer: “And where do you keep your grooming sets?”

Me: “In the men’s department as well.”

Customer: “Oh thanks! I’m buying a Father’s day present for my Dad and Grandfather!”

(I tell him he’s welcome and turn back to what I was doing. I noticed a few seconds later he’s still there.)

Me: “Is there something else I can help you with?”

Customer: *grinning widely* “Do you believe me?!”

(We have booths at which we can only seat groups of 3 or more. There is a couple with their young child sitting in one. A couple came in and I went to seat them.)

Me: “Hi, are you here to eat, or are you just having some drinks?”

Customer: “Eating, can we take a booth?”

Me: “Sorry, but we need to save them for groups of three or more.”

Customer: “What about them?” *motions at the couple with their child*

Me: “They have 3 people sitting there.”

Customer: “What? Babies aren’t people!”

(A young little girl walks up to the one of the cashiers.)

Girl: “Do you have any [video game console]?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sweetie. We’re all out right now.”

Girl: “Can you go in the back and make one?”

Me: “We can’t make [consoles]. We get shipped the [consoles] to sell.”

(With a sullen look, the little girl walks away and comes back soon after with her mother.)

Mother: “You don’t have any [consoles] currently?”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, we do not.”

Mother: “Well, can you go in the back and make one?”