Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [Vet Clinic]. How can I help you today?”

(Note: the caller sounds around 4 years old. )

Caller: “Hello, is Aunt Betty there?”

Me: “I’m sorry, would you mind repeating that?”

Caller: “Can I speak to Aunt Betty?”

Me: “I’m sorry, you have the wrong number.”

Caller: “Oh, Okay.”

Me: “Bye!”

(I hang up. 10 seconds later, the phone rings again.)

Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [Vet Clinic], how can I help you today?”

Caller 2: “My niece just called here and must have got the wrong number.”

Me: *chuckling* “Yes she thought-”

Caller 2: “Well, next time don’t hang up on her!” *hangs up*

Me: “Hello, how are you?”

Customer: “What country are you from?”

Me: “England.”

Customer: “Oh, no wonder you don’t speak English properly.”

Me: “Your total is $152.37.”

(Customer begins to write out a deposit slip from the back of her chequebook.)

Me: “That’s a deposit slip, not a cheque.”

Customer: “Oh, so I can’t pay you with this?” *confused look*

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Oh, well take it out of this then.” *hands me a roll of cash* “But don’t take more that $75 out of there.”

Me: *takes $75 out of roll* “And how would you like to pay for the rest of this?”

Customer: “Umm…” *confused look* “I have to pay more?”

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Me: “So, your total comes to $47.63.”

(The customer swipes their card.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but it seems your card was declined.”

Customer: “Declined? Why?”

Me: “It says here because of ‘insufficient funds’.”

Customer: “But what does that even mean?”

(I work for a well-known anti-virus company. An customer calls in to ask about the difference in her product and the other ones we carry.)

Caller: “So what about the cheapest one?”

Me: “It’s got the anti-virus protection, but it doesn’t protect you from net phishing.”

Caller: “I see, so what about the one that I’m using right now?”

Me: “Basically you’ve got both the anti-virus components and also a firewall, which is the recommended one for an average user.”

Caller: “Oh, I see. So the firewall will protect the computer from catching on fire?”

Customer: “My wife and I were wondering if it would be okay to bring our chihuahua in while we eat?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but health department rules say we can’t allow any animals other than service animals in the restaurant.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. That’s no problem.”

(He leaves, then comes back in with his wife and a dog-shaped bulge underneath his shirt. My manager, who had overheard the conversation, comes to the register.)

Manager: “I’m sorry, sir, but it’s a violation of health code to have the dog in the restaurant.”

Customer: “What dog?”

(The dog then pokes his head out of the customer’s shirt.)

Customer: *stammering* “Well, uh, he’ll stay right here. He won’t get out. He’s very clean and has good manners!”

(A wet spot begins to appear on the man’s shirt.)

Customer: “Maybe I’ll just go through the the drive thru…”

Me: “Hi, what can I do for you this evening?”

Customer: *visibly intoxicated* “I need a room.”

(After arguing with her for a good ten minutes about the cost per night, the customer settles on a standard room. A few hours later, she calls.)

Me: “Front desk.”

Customer: “My phone isn’t working.”

Me: “Are you sure?”

Customer: “Girl I am sure! My phone is not working.”

Me: “Is it not working when you are trying to dial out? Make sure you’re pressing ’9′ before you dial the number you’re trying to reach.”

Customer: “No, I know that! I read that. It’s not working. No dial tone, nothing.”

Me: “Ma’am, aren’t you calling me from the room phone?”

*Silence for a moment.*

Customer: “While I’ve got you on here, can you order me ribs?”

Me: “From the restaurant next door?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’m not required to do that. The number for the restaurant is in your guest directory found in the drawer of the desk in your room.”

Customer: “But my phone isn’t working!”