(The customer is requesting that I order her some clothing that our store currently does not have in stock to be delivered to her home address.)

Me: “…and what is your home address?”

Customer: “Why do you need that?”

Me: “So that the clothes can be delivered to the correct address.”

Customer: “How do the clothes get to me from the computer?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I don’t quite understand what you are asking.”

Customer: “I mean, all you have told the computer is my information. How do the clothes get from the computer to me?”

Me: “Well, the information goes to our warehouse and they will send the clothes to your address from there.”

Customer: “So the clothes don’t come from the computer?”

Me: “You mean directly from this computer?”

Customer: “Yes, of course. How do I get the clothes from the computer?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, it doesn’t work like that. We can’t store merchandise in our computers.”

Customer: “Well, your systems are too outdated! I will just go buy them from my home computer so I don’t have to wait for the warehouse to send me my order in the mail!”

Me: “Thank you for calling [pizza place], how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, can I have a half pepperoni, half sausage?”

Me: “Okay, will that be all?”

Customer: “Could you make sure that both halves are on the same pizza?”

(A customer is wondering why her anti-virus is asking her to purchase the program.)

Me: “What is the name of your anti-virus?”

Customer: “It is [name of a well-known fake anti-virus program].”

Me: “Ma’am, that is a fake anti-virus. Do not purchase that program because it will not protect your computer.”

Customer: “No! Why do you want me to disable my anti-virus? I will not get rid of it! It’s keeping my computer safe! I already purchased it three times and it still wants me to pay again! All I want to know is how to stop it from asking me to pay!”

(I am speaking Spanish to a customer at the register. I finish the transaction and see the next customer.)

Customer: *speaking loudly and slowly* “Hello! I want to pay cash!”

Me: “Find everything you need today?”

Customer: “Wow so you can speak English and Spanish? I didn’t think you spoke any English”

Me: “Yes, I’m bilingual”

Customer: “Wow! So you speak two languages fluently and you’re gay?”

Me: “No, just bilingual.”

Customer: “I heard you the first time silly! Lots of gay pride in you, huh?”

Customer: “Excuse me, could you help me find a book on grieving? My husband just died.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. They’re right over here.”

(I lead her over to the death and grieving books.)

Me: “Is there anything else I can help you find today?”

Customer: “Actually yes. I’m also looking for a book on taxidermy.”

(I am assisting a young woman over the phone; she has just had her wallet stolen.)

Caller: “Can I ask you a question?”

Me: “Of course.”

Caller: “I had $200 in cash in my wallet when it was stolen. If I tell the police how much was in it, will they give it to me?”

Me: “You mean, if you tell them you had $200 in cash stolen, will they just give you $200?”

Caller: “Yes! Will they give it to me?”

Me: “I don’t think it works that way. If they manage to recover your wallet and the money is still inside they would probably return it to you, but I don’t think that happens very often.”

Caller: “Oh.”

*long pause*

Caller: “What if I told them it was $20? Do you think they would give me that much?”

Customer: “Excuse me, can I buy three tickets?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, we’re sold out.”

Customer: “Isn’t this [town] High School?”

Me: “Yes, but this show is sold out.”

Customer: “How many seats are left?”

Me: “None. We’re sold out. There’s another show tomorrow at–

Customer: “Well, next time you should think about being already sold out before you start selling tickets!”

(An old woman comes into the store, looking very distressed.)

Customer: “Have you seen my cat?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “He looks like this.” *holds up a badly drawn picture* “I got my grandson to draw me it.”

Me: “I don’t think you’ll find your lost cat with that picture.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “It’s a dog.”

Customer: “Oh. But can you put this up in your shop window for me though? Just give him some pointy ears.”