(I am at work doing a before-opening clean of the trolley handles and checkout counters.)

Customer: “Excuse me, I’d like to buy these now please.”

Me: “Um, ma’am, I’m not a checkout operator.”

Customer: “Yes, but I’m here now and I’m running late, so can you just run these through the scanner for me?”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s five thirty. There are no checkout operators as we don’t open for another hour and a half.”

Customer: “Oh, I was wondering why there wasn’t anyone in the Deli, but that’s okay because I went back behind the counter and got the ham out the freezer.”

Me: “Ma’am, you’re not allowed to do that. How did you get in? The doors are locked until the security guard gets here.”

Customer: “Oh, I broke the window because I thought your door wasn’t working. Can you run these through for me now?”

Related:
Bird Brained
Bird Brained, Part 2
Bird Brained, Part 3
Bird Brained, Part 4
Bird Brained, Part 5

Customer: “I need a rain check.”

Me: “Alright, what do you need it for?”

Customer: “Old, rotten potatoes.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t think I heard you right. Would you please repeat that?”

Customer: “Old, rotten potatoes!”

Me:” I don’t believe we sell those.”

Customer: “Yes you do. I saw them in the sale flyer!” *points to flyer which says ‘Au Gratin Potatoes’*

Customer: “Hi, do you have any diet soda water?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t think that exists.”

Customer: “Yeah it does. I’ve bought it here before.”

Me: “Ma’am, diet soda water is pretty much diet water.”

Customer: “That’s okay too. Do you have that?”

Me: “Thank you for calling [store], how may I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, you just rented me this movie, and it doesn’t work.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “It keeps playing the same scene over and over again.”

Me: “The same scene keeps playing?”

Customer: “Yeah, and it has these words written on it. ‘Play’, ‘Scene Selection’, ‘Language’ and ‘Special Features’.”

Me: “Uh, sir, that’s the DVD menu. You just have to click ‘Play’ and the movie will start.”

Customer: “Well, that’s the first time I’ve heard of that. How do I do that?”

Me: “Uh, just hit the arrow buttons on your remote until you get to ‘Play’, then hit ‘Enter’ and the movie will start. Or, if you have a ‘Play’ button, just hit that.”

Customer: “OK, where is that on my remote?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I don’t know what your remote looks like.”

Customer: “Never mind, I found it. OK, I’m clicking ‘Play’. Well now it just went black! Oh, now it has something different. Can you stay on the line with me for a little to make sure that scene doesn’t start repeating again?”

Customer: “I’m looking for pants for my daughter.”

Me: “Okay, what size is your daughter?”

Customer: “She’s fat like you.”

Me: “Okay, so I’m a medium. Does your daughter wear mediums?”

Customer: “No. She’s fat like you. She needs fat pants.”

Me: “So would a large be okay?”

Customer: “Fat pants. Large is too small.”

Me: “Large is the biggest size we have.”

Customer: “Give me your pants then.”

Me: “Hi, I’m calling from [Company] verifying that you are looking for information on a loan modification.”

Caller: “I was, until I found out you could you couldn’t help me.”

Me: “Well, sir, I’m not sure why you think that. We have been able to help lots of people. If you would like, I can connect you with a counselor who will be able to let you know what can be done.”

Caller: “You can’t do anything for me.”

Me: “I can assure you that there is something we can do. At least we can provide you with some information.”

Caller: “You can’t do anything unless you are able to invade the Chinese.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Caller: “The only way you can help me is by invading the Chinese.”

Me: “Well, sir, I think you are right. I don’t think there is anything we can do for you. Have a nice day.”

Me: “Thanks for coming in! Anything I can help you find today?”

Customer: “I need the internet.”

Me: “Okay. You need to get connected to the internet at your house?”

Customer: “No! I need the internet, idiot. Don’t you guys sell them here with lots of gigglebites and dial-up modems and the like?”

Me: “You need a computer tower then? We have plenty of those.”

Customer: “No! I need the internet! My friend has an internet and its fast and has 10 gigglebites.”

Me: “Okay, I will do everything I can to help you. I would also recommend you grab a copy of one of our guides that should be a great help.”

(I show him a copy of Computers for Dummies.)

Customer: “Does it come with the internet?”

(Our city is in Northern Norway, above the arctic circle. A tourist comes in.)

Tourist: “Sir, can you tell when the Midnight sun goes down?”

Me: “Well it actually doesn’t, that the point. It’s up all night.”

Tourist: “I see. Thanks.”

(She leaves with an expression telling me that she really doesn’t. The following day she comes back looking annoyed.)

Tourist: “You lied to me.”

Me: “I’m sorry madam I don’t understand?”

Tourist: “I was up all night, and there was no midnight sun. Just the normal one I can see all day!”