Me: “Thank you so much for calling [company name]. How may I help you today?”

Customer: “Hi! My phone is not working. I need you guys to send me a new one!”

Me: “Sure, I’ll be more than happy to assist you with that. First, I need to ask you some questions. Is your phone water damaged?”

Customer: “Not at all! I’m really careful with my phones.”

Me: “Okay, good. Ma’am, has the phone been dropped?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Then what happened to the phone, ma’am?”

Customer: “My little son dropped my phone on his apple juice.”

Me: “Ma’am, I asked you before if your phone was water damaged.”

Customer: “Well, you said water, not juice. It’s not the same, is it?”

(It’s 1 am in late August.)

Me: “Hello, guest services.”

Guest: “Yes, my air conditioner has stopped working. Can you send a maintenance man up here right now to fix it?”

Me: “Sir, our maintenance guy will be here at 5 am. I can send him there as soon as he arrives. If the room is unbearable, I will gladly place you in a room with a working air conditioner.”

Guest: “No, I don’t want to switch rooms. If you can’t come up here yourself to fix it now, I am going to jump in your pool!”

Me: “Sir, the pool is closed for the night, but it will open at 7 am. Unfortunately, I am not sure how to fix your air conditioner. However, I will gladly put you in another room.”

Guest: “Listen here, either you fix the machine right now or you let me get in the pool! Or… let me have some cookies.”

Me: “Cookies, sir?”

Guest: “Yes, cookies!”

Me: “Sir, we have cookies down in the lobby 24/7. You are welcome to take all you want.”

Guest: “Ok, I’ll be right there!”

(I call waiting customers numbers when their food is ready. I notice a customer picks up the wrong item.)

Me: “Ma’am, you accidentally picked up the wrong meal. This one is yours.”

Customer 1: “Oh, I know. This one looked better.”

(The customer walks off with wrong meal.)

Customer 2: “Excuse me, did she just take my food?”

Me: “Well, actually yes. I’m really sorry about that, I tried to tell her and she wouldn’t listen.”

Customer 2: “Well, I don’t blame her. My food looked way better.”

Customer: “Can you help me find to “Frankenstein” trilogy by James Patterson?”

Me: “Sir, I think maybe you mean Dean Koontz.”

Customer: “No. Patterson wrote it.”

Me: “OK, one moment, let me get that for you.”

(I return with the first book of Dean Koontz’s Frankenstein trilogy).)

Me: “Is this what you wanted?”

Customer: “Yeah. That’s the one. I need the fourth book in the trilogy.”

Me: “I believe there are only three books in the trilogy.”

Customer: “No, I read online. There are four.”

Me: “Alright. One minute, please.”

(I return with the third book in the trilogy.)

Me: “Is this what you needed?”

Customer: “Yeah. That’s it. Have you read these?”

Me: “Yes I have. I thought they were a wonderful re-imagining of Mary Shelley. I really enjoyed Koontz’s ideas about the monster.”

Customer: “Yeah but he didn’t even put Frankenstein in the books. Just some scientist guy. What kind of a name is Victor anyway?”

Related:
Re-Vamping Dracula

(I am working behind the counter. The only other people in the shop are a woman and a small boy. The boy is rushing about, shouting and being boisterous. This goes on for several minutes.)

Customer: “Why don’t you tell that child to stop running around?”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought he was with you.”

Customer: “He is.”

(A customer brings in his dog for a spay.)

Customer: “While she’s out, can you trim her nails? They’re getting real long.”

Me: “Of course, sir. We give all patients under anesthesia a complimentary nail trim.”

Customer: “Oh, you do? Would you give me a free pedicure, too?”

Me: “Uhm…”

Customer: “How about a massage?”

Me: “[Company], how can I help you?”

Caller: “Yea, I need you guys to work on my car’s transmission. How much?”

Me: “Ma’am, we don’t work on cars here, we print things.”

Caller: “But…but I Googled [company] and I got you guys.”

Me: “I’m sorry, Google was wrong. I don’t know how we got on there.”

Caller: “But I Googled you! You have to do it!”

Me: “Ma’am, we have copiers here, not a garage. Try the yellow pages?”

Caller: *sounding very betrayed* “I can’t believe I Googled you.”

Me: “Your total is $**.**.”

(The customer hands me card, I run it and hand it back to her.)

Customer: “Oh, no! That’s my debit card! I don’t have any money in my account. It’s going to be declined.”

Me: “Well, your purchase went through.”

Customer: “Oh, well, if it went through, that means I have enough money in my account.”

Me: “Well, not necessarily. My brother got himself into a lot of debt by using his cards after he’d reached his limit.”

Customer: “You mean I could still use this card even if there’s no money in the account?”

Me: “It’s possible, but I’m not familiar with your bank system.”

Customer: *to friend* “Do you want to go to the nail salon?”