Customer: “Oh miss, I have a problem.”

Me: “What can I help you with?”

Customer: “The ATM took my card. It says here though that its invalid, and my card is out of date, so maybe that’s why.”

(I get the keys to the ATM and open it up.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but your card is not in there. Are you sure it took it?”

Customer: “No, it did, it did! *pulls out an ATM card* “It looks like this! Oh wait…this is my card. Never mind.”

(I am a student worker at my university’s IT help desk. Professors’ passwords are set to expire every 90 days. A professor having connection problems informs me he hasn’t changed his password in months.)

Me: “Oh, okay! I think that’s the issue here. Your password has probably expired and…”

Professor: “Expired?!”

Me: “Yes, they’re set to expire every 90 days for security.”

Professor: “90 days! Why don’t you tell us these things?”

Me:”I’m so sorry, usually we email professors at the beginning of term.”

Professor: “Well, you didn’t tell me! I didn’t get any emails from you people!”

Me: “I’m very sorry. Let me reset your password for you now so that you can connect.”

(I reset his password and write it down for him.)”

Professor: “What the h*** is this?”

Me: “That’s the pound sign.”

Professor: “I know what it is! Why is it in my password?”

Me: “It’s a regulation from our administration. Your password has to have letters, numbers and special characters.”

Professor: “And when were you planning on telling us this?”

Me: “There should have been an email last week.”

Professor: “There was no email! Seriously, do you do anything? Where’s your boss? I need to speak with him.”

Me: “He’s out right now.”

Professor: “You need to let me know the moment he gets back.”

Me: “Of course. How should we notify you? We can send you an email?”

Professor: “Don’t email me. God! I never read those. Call my office phone.”

(We are doing rescue and CPR training with the other lifeguards).

Customer: “Excuse me, do you guys have to do that now with all these people in the pool?”

Me: “Sorry sir.”

Customer: “I see this guy in the water and I think he’s drowning. I try to go help him, but he tells me it’s just training.”

Me: “Sorry for the confusion, sir. Please swim behind this barrier so that the lifeguards can complete their training.”

Customer: “And other people have pushed their kids out of the way so guys can do your thing! I mean, what would happen if the kids got hurt? What would you do?”

Related:
Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 2
Dim Witted And Off The Deep End

(The power has gone out in the cafe.)

Customer: “I’d like a soda, please.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but since the power is out, we can only sell bakery products from the window.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s okay. I only wanted to use the wi-fi, anyway.”

(He sits in the corner, but comes back a few minutes later.)

Customer: “The wi-fi seems to be down. Could you reset it?”

Me: “No. sir. The power is out, so the wi-fi won’t work until it comes back on.”

Customer: “Don’t you have batteries for it?”

Me: “Hello, and welcome to [restaurant]. I’m Amy, and I’ll be your server today.”

Customer: *glares at my necklace, which happens to be pentagon shaped* “No! You worship the devil! Get me a Christian to serve me!”

Me: “I don’t worship the devil. Actually, I–”

Customer: “I wont hear your witchy talk devil girl!” *sticks her fingers in her ears while her husband just gives me a smile*

Me: “I’ll just go and see what I can do for you.”

(I go to my manager and tell her what’s going on.)

Manager: *to me* “Oh, for Pete’s sake. Here, just put my necklace on.”

(The necklace is a cross. I go back to the table.)

Me: “Hello, and welcome to [restaurant]. I’m Amy, and I’ll be your server today.”

Customer: “Oh, thank the Lord. You should have seen the evil girl who was just here, with her black hair and wicked eyes!”

(She never noticed I was the same girl. Her husband never said a word, just had a weary look on his face. By the way, my hair is red.)

Me: “So you want me to hook up this computer to the internet?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay! First thing’s first: where’s the modem or router so I can connect the computer to the net?”

Customer: “I don’t have one.”

Me: “You don’t have one?”

Customer: “I thought you could download a modem off the internet for me.”

(I am installing a home security system for a new customer. All customers require a password that the monitoring service uses to verify their identity when the alarm is tripped.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am. If your alarm is ever tripped, our monitoring service will call the house to make sure help is needed. We need you to select a password for when they call.”

Customer: “Well, what password should I select?”

Me: “It just needs to be something easy to remember.”

Customer: “Can you suggest something?”

Me: “Well, what do you do for a living?”

Customer: “I’m a nurse.”

Me: “Okay, your password could be ‘Nurse’.”

Customer: “Hmm, I don’t know if I could remember that.”

Me: “Thank you for calling [store], how may I help you?”

Customer: “I can’t find the product I want online, but I can find it in the UK section. Can you get it here for me?”

Me: “Ma’am, we cannot do anything at the store level. You could try to order it online or try calling the UK directly.”

Customer: “But, do they speak English over there?”