Customer: “Hi, can you tell me about your Educator Appreciation Weekend?

Me: “Sure! Teachers normally get 20% off on things they buy for their classroom.”

Customer: “Okay, so how do I prove that I’m a teacher?”

Me: “Do you have a pay stub from your school?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Do you have a school ID?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Do you have a card from a teacher’s union?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Do you have a medical insurance card that shows that you’re on an educator plan?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Maybe a vision or dental insurance card?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Do you have a business card?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Do you have any letters from the school or district to you?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Is there a number I could call to verify your employment with a school?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Do you have anything, anything at all, with both your name on it, and the name of some kind of school or educational organization?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Well, I’m stumped. I can’t think of any other way that you could show that you’re a teacher.”

Customer: “Wow, you really don’t make this easy for us, do you?”

Customer: *walks up with an X-Box game* “Hi I’d like to purchase this.”

(Later in the afternoon, the same customer from that morning comes in.)

Customer: “You! You sold me a bad game! You’ve ruined my son’s birthday!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. What’s the problem?”

Customer: “My son asked for this game for his birthday! The machine said he can’t play it! What kind of cruel business do you run? Teasing small children!”

(I look at the disc and it’s in brand new condition.)

Me: “That’s odd, ma’am. I’ll just test it on our machine quickly.”

(I go over to our display case wear our consoles are set up. I start to put the disc in the X-Box.)

Customer: “I’m sorry, do you have any idea what you’re doing?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “You’re putting it in the wrong machine! It’s no wonder you sold me a faulty disc!”

Me: “What does his machine look like?”

Customer: “That one there!” *points at Playstation 3* “Don’t you dare tell me it’s a faulty machine it plays the other discs fine!”

Me: “I’ll bet it does ma’am, because those are Playstation games. And this is an X-Box game.”

Customer: “We’ll, why didn’t you tell me that when I purchased it?”

Me: “I didn’t know your son owned a Playstation.”

Customer: “Well, whose fault is that?!”

(A customer comes in looking for an item I knew we do not carry.)

Customer: “Where would I find a [item]?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, we don’t carry that.”

Customer: *stares at me awhile* “Well, if you did carry it, what aisle would it be in?”

(In the store we put on our own price tags, but customers have a bad habit of taking them off to get a lower price.)

Customer: “Hi, could I get a price on this?”

Me: “Sure.” *takes a look* “It’ll be $14.99.”

Customer’s daughter: *in Spanish* “Wow mom, that’s more expensive than the real tag!”

Customer: “No thanks.”

Me: *in Spanish* “Have a good day, and come back soon!” *wink*

(Customer walks up to front desk in waiting room area and places kitty carrier on desk.)

Me: “Hi, do you need an appointment?”

Customer: “Uh. No. I just need some acne cream for cats.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Customer: *pulls cat out of carrier and sets on desk* “See? She has acne on her belly.”

Me: “Those aren’t acne. Those are nipples.”

Customer: “Mmm, it smells great in here! I sure do love the coffee here at [coffee shop]!”

Me: “Well, I’m glad! Would you like a coffee then?”

Customer: “So tell me, how do you brew your coffee here? Is this your coffee making machine?”

Me: “Yes sir, it is.”

Customer: “Tell me, young woman, how does this machine work? How do you clean it?”

Me: “Well, we put coffee in these baskets, and it brews in to these pots. We clean them with–”

Customer: “Because, see, I have a fantastic business idea for you! It will be a great investment opportunity, a revolutionary way to brew coffee! I will share stock with you, if you help me!”

Me: “Sir, if you have a suggestion, your best bet would be to submit it to [company website]. I don’t control what equipment we use or how we brew coffee. Can I get you a drink?”

Customer: “Because, see, I love coffee! But my clothes are never clean! And you know that sanitizer stuff…what’s it called…Purell?”

Me: “Uhh…I guess.”

Customer: “Right! So, see…what you need to do is put the Purell in the coffee and then brew it. Then, when I drink the coffee, it will be sanitized, and when the coffee seeps out my pores, it will clean my clothes while I am wearing them! It is revolutionary!”

Me: “Sir, again, I don’t control operations here, so you need to submit this idea to our corporate office. I can’t help you.”

Customer: “It will save so much time! I have a whole system worked out. I call it ‘Pizazz.’ Would you like to be a shareholder with me? We will make so much money!”

Me: “No, thank you.”

Customer: “PIZAZZ! Don’t you get it? Pores. Clothes. Cleaning! Would anybody else that works here like to buy stock?”

Me: “Sir, I doubt it.”

Customer: “Okay, thank you so very much for your time. It will be a revolution! You are beautiful!” *wanders out the door, still rambling about his big idea*

(I check in families to our kids’ program. An older woman approaches me with her two grandkids. I give her the form to fill out).

Me:  “Oh, ma’am, could I get your birthday? You left that line blank.”

Grandmother: “No.”

Me: “But ma’am, we need that to identify you as an adult. We can’t enter you into the computer without that information.”

Grandmother: “Would Jesus have to give his birthday?”

Customer: “I’d like to get this DVD for my son.” *hands me a copy of Watchmen*

Me: “How old is your son, ma’am?”

Customer: “Five.”

Me: “Sorry, this film isn’t suitable for your son.”

Customer: “But it’s about superheroes! How can a film about superheroes be unsuitable for kids?”

Me: “There is a scene where one of the heroes cuts a man’s head in half with a meat cleaver.”

Customer: “What, are they thick or something? How could you put that in a kid’s film?”