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    Archive for 2009

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    Beating Around The Bush

    | Denver, CO, USA |

    (I’m working the box office and a woman storms up to the counter, holding a copy of a popular satire newspaper.)

    Customer: “Have you seen this?”

    Me: “Yeah, I read it all the time.”

    Customer: “How can they get away with this?”

    (She pushes the newspaper against the glass, and I can see a humorous picture of the President.)

    Me: “I think that’s photoshopped.”

    Customer: “No, it’s real! This is un-American! To degrade the office of the president by publishing this photo, it’s treasonous!”

    Me: “You know it’s a joke, right?”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “It’s a parody newspaper. Nothing in it is actual news.”

    Customer: “No, no, no, it was on the news stand. I paid for this, and they’re defaming the president!”

    Me: “It’s also free.”

    Customer: *pauses*

    Me: “Would you like a ticket?”

    Customer: “One for Sicko…”

    The Custom-fur Is Always Right

    | Sydney, Australia |

    Customer: “Hi, I’d like to buy a lemon and lime pie please.”

    Me: “I’m sorry miss, we don’t sell those. We never have.”

    Customer: “But I was so sure. Let me just check.” *pulls out phone and dials* “Hi, darling…yes, I know, but she says they don’t sell them anymore. Okay, I’ll put you on…”

    Customer: “He’d like to talk to you.” *hands me the phone*

    Me: “Hi, sir, I’m sorry, but we don’t sell lemon and lime pies.”

    Phone: “Woof! Woof! Woof!”

    Customer, to me: “You see?!”

    Lost & (Dumb)Found

    | Kansas, USA |

    (A customer calls our store claiming she’s lost her phone. The routine is to replace the phone if insured, to give them a loaner phone for a few weeks, or to sell them another phone. She has turned down all of those options.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t know what else we can do for you besides giving you a loaner phone or selling you another one.”

    Customer: “No, I have a replacement.”

    Me: “Maybe I’m misunderstanding. Why are you calling us?”

    Customer: “I lost my phone.”

    Me: “…and you already have a replacement for it?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Were you calling to ask if you left it here?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but I really don’t understand what you’re asking me to do.”

    Customer: “Where’s my phone?”

    Me: “We have no way of tracking where your phone is at any given time. I’m sorry.”

    Customer: “But I lost my phone. Where is it?”

    Me: “I’m truly sorry, but unless you’re wanting another phone to replace your old one, I really can’t help you.”

    Customer: “So can you transfer me to your lost and found, then?”

    Me: “How about I give you our customer service number, and maybe they can help you out?”

    Customer: “Okay…”

    (Afterwards, as I was making a memo in the account, I noticed that she’d already called customer service twice. Both times, the call rep had told her we had no way to track her phone down by satellite, network towers, or police scanners.)

    A Hazy Legal Maze

    | New York, USA | Top

    Customer: “What cigarettes would you recommend?”

    Me: “I’m actually only 16, I don’t smoke.”

    Customer: “Oh well then which cigars are your favorite?”

    Me: “I’m only 16, I don’t smoke.”

    Customer: “Okay then. Do you sell marijuana?”

    Me: “That’s actually illegal.”

    Customer: “What? When did that happen?”

    Retail Therapy

    | Newcastle, NSW, Australia |

    (I work at a small shop in a hospital.)

    Me: “Hello!”

    Customer: “Is this the only shop here?”

    Me: “Yes, it is.”

    Customer: “And that’s the only cafe?” *points towards the cafe*

    Me: “Yep!”

    Customer: “Why aren’t there more?”

    Me: “Well, we only really need one shop and one cafe for this hospital.”

    Customer: “That’s just stupid! I don’t need beds, I need more
    shops! I’m going to complain!”

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