Customer: “I’m not buying carpet from you because you don’t sell Christmas trees.”

Me: “Actually we have them in the garden center.”

Customer: “No, you sell holiday trees. You’re afraid of offending people, but this is the Christmas season, not holiday season.”

Me: “It’s just our policy sir.”

Customer: “I’m going to [another home improvement store] where they aren’t afraid of offending!”

Me: “Welcome to [kitchen store]. Can I help you with anything?”

Customer: “Oh! Aren’t you a lovely young thing! I need something that will cut vegetables into slices. You see, I’m quite the chef, I have a very expensive home in New York, and I have a million dollar kitchen!”

Me: “Well, we have a variety of slicers…”

(I bring him to a shelf with vegetable slicers. He proceeds to open a knapsack and takes out a cucumber, a carrot, other assorted vegetables.)

Me: “Sir, what are you doing?”

Customer: “I have to test the slicer! I can’t buy just any old slicer! What will they think?”

(He begins slicing a cucumber with one of the models on display.)

Me: “What will who think?”

Customer: “MY GUESTS! MY GUESTS! THEY’LL JUDGE ME WHEN THEY COME TO VISIT MY MILLION DOLLAR KITCHEN! Ugh! This slicer is horrible! Look at that! I nearly cut my own finger off! This is despicable. I’ll be back tomorrow, dear, and I expect you to have more advanced slicers by then.”

(He begins stroking my arm frantically, so my co-worker politely escorts him out of the store. His cucumber, mind you, stayed behind.)

Customer: “Are these real trees?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “I mean, are they live trees?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “So, we just go cut them down, right?”

Me: “That’s right!”

Customer: “Will it still be a live tree after we cut it down?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but cutting the tree down does mean the tree will die. However, if you water it daily, it should survive until Christmas.”

Customer: “But you said those were live trees!”

Caller: “Is this the store that sells those little Christmas trees in different colors? Including the one in black?”

Me: “Yes, it is. Are you interested in one?”

Caller: “No! I want to complain! You’re selling black Christmas trees! That’s satanic!”

Me: “I’m sorry. We sell lots of other colors, too. Pink, purple, neon green, silver.”

Caller: “Your store is owned by the Devil! Black is the color of Satan! You should be ashamed!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We sell many different colors of trees and a lot of customers really like the black tree. I can assure you, it’s just a Christmas tree.”

Caller: “Well, I don’t agree. I think black is satanic! Christmas trees should be green!”

Me: “I understand and will inform our manager of your feelings. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Caller: “Oh, yes…can you put one of those pink Christmas trees on hold for me? I think they’re just so cute!”

Customer: “I’ve just received a leaflet for broadband from you. What’s broadband?”

Me: “It’s a faster type of internet.”

Customer: “What’s internet?”

Me: “It’s a method of accessing information through a computer.”

Customer: “What’s a computer?”

Me: “I don’t think this offer is for you, sir.”