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    Archive for 2009

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    This. Is. High Bar-ta.

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    (I coach an Advanced Recreational group of kids aged 11-14. I’m spotting one of the boys on the high bar when his arm slips and he elbows me in the face.)

    Me: “Thanks. Please try not to do that again.”

    Child: “Sorry!” *laughs*

    (He tries it again, and elbows me in the face again. This time, my lip is bleeding so I go over to the door to spit the blood out of my mouth into the garbage. As I’m doing this, one of the dads that is watching from the lobby runs in.)

    Dad: “That was freakin’ amazing!”

    Me: “What was?”

    Dad: “From the lobby, it looked like he elbowed you in the face, you thanked him and asked him for another. Then you came and spat your blood into the garbage as a show of dominance over the rest of them. FRICKIN’ AWESOME!” *high fives me*

    Another Kid For Brangelina

    | London, UK | Top

    (I am the elf at a Santa’s Grotto display in a shopping centre. A very well-dressed, eloquent boy, no older than 5, sits on Santa’s lap.)

    Santa: “Merry Christmas, young sir! Have you been a good boy this year?”

    Boy: “Oh yes, Santa! I’ve been extra good all this year because mummy and daddy said if I am extra good, I can have whatever I want!”

    (Santa looks up to the smiling parents, who are nodding approvingly.)

    Santa: “Well, it does seem you have been EXTRA good this year! What would you like?”

    Boy: “Angelina Jolie.”

    (Santa looks again at the parents, who continue to smile and nod like this is a standard request.)

    Santa:“You’d like Angelina Jolie for Christmas?”

    Boy: “Because I’ve been extra good!”

    Santa: “I’m sorry little guy, I don’t think she would fit in my sack.”

    Boy: “Oh don’t worry, I don’t want Brad Pitt. You can give him to someone else!”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Thank God It’s Fraud-day

    | Orem, UT |

    (This call took place last year at our website hosting company. Note that we close our call center every year on Christmas.)

    Caller: “I’m so mad at you guys! I talked to your verification department over the phone on the 25th of this month and my account still isn’t verified for use!”

    Me: “Really? You talked with us on Christmas? How did you do that?”

    Caller: “Um…I mean…I talked to them on the 35th!”

    Please Press Any Brain Cell To Continue

    | Bakersfield, CA, USA |

    Me: “Alright, and can I have your zip code, please?”

    Customer: “Sure.”

    Customer: *really, really long pause*

    Customer: *customer looks back at cashier, still waiting*

    Customer: *still silent*

    Customer’s son: “Mom.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Customer’s son: “She asked for the zip code.”

    Customer: “I know. I told her she could have it!”

    Customer’s son: *says the zip code*

    Customer: “Oh! I didn’t realize she wanted me to give it to her!”

    Can’t Cedar Forest For The Trees

    | Westchester, OH, USA | Top

    Customer: “These Christmas trees all look so fake! I want to get one fresh from the Everglades!”

    (I chuckle, and then realize he is serious.)

    Me: “Sir, the Everglades aren’t exactly known for there Christmas trees.”

    Customer: “Oh yeah! I forgot, it’s all frozen.”

    Me: “No sir, the Everglades are in the middle of Florida.”

    Customer: “Oh, well I was never good at geometry anyway.”

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