(The customer is calling to book reservations for her family at a large Orlando theme park.)

Customer: “I want a hotel room with an ocean view.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am; Orlando is located in Central Florida, and is not on the coast. Would you like me to book you a room with a view of the lake instead?”

Customer: “No! I don’t want a d***ed view of the lake. I know you can see the ocean from there! I’m looking at a map of Florida right now, and it’s obvious how narrow it gets there. The ocean is very close on both sides, so book me a d*** ocean view room!”

Me: “You might want to check your map for a scale. I’ve been to Florida many times, and Orlando at least an hour’s drive to the ocean. There is no way you can see the coast from the resort.”

Customer: “Fine! I’ll just call another travel agent who’s actually willing to help me book what I want.”

Me: “Er… ma’am, if you can find an ocean-view room in Orlando I will personally pay for your vacation out of my own pocket. Good luck with that.”

This story is part of the More Clueless Tourists roundup!

Read the next story!

Read the roundup!

Customer: “I’ll make you a deal.”

Me: “Okay…?”

Customer: “You give me these glasses, and I’ll let you take a picture of me wearing them, and hang it up in your store.”

Me: “Um… what?”

Customer: “Yeah, like all these pictures you have of people hanging up.”

Me: “Those are professional models.”

Customer: “Well, I’m a model.”

Me: “…”

(A customer has already ordered, picked up, and drunk most of his drink. He then walks up to the counter, very angry.)

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “What the f*** is this?!” *points to his cup*

Me: “It looks like the drink I made you, and you seem to have already enjoyed it.”

Customer: “No smart-a**, this!” *pours the drink onto the counter and a key bounces out* “What the f*** is going on here?!”

Me: *alarmed* “I am so sorry, sir! When I made the drink, I know there wasn’t a key in it. Let me make you a new one.”

Customer: “Yeah! You f****** better make me a new f****** drink. This is complete bull-s***! You’re lucky I don’t sue you and this coffee company!”

(I take the key and make him a new drink, and he goes and sits outside with his friends. The key isn’t mine, so I start asking coworkers and customers. No one is claiming it. The customer walks up about five minutes later, bright red and embarrassed.)

Customer: “Yeah, uh… I’m going to need my car key back so I can go home.”

This story is part of the Even-More-Customers-Caught-Lying-themed roundup!

Read the next Even-More-Customers-Caught-Lying-themed story!

Read the Even-More-Customers-Caught-Lying-themed roundup!

(A customer comes in attempting to return a worn, filthy $39 dress that’s covered with hair.)

Me: “Our company’s policy states that we cannot return worn merchandise. I’m sorry, but we can’t give you your refund.”

Customer: “I never wore this. I want my money back.”

Me: “Ma’am, the dress is stained with your makeup, and has your hair on it. I refuse to take this item back.”

Customer: “Let me speak to your store manager.”

Me: “I am the store manager.”

Customer: *takes a few steps back* “Look at me. I’m dressed head to toe in your clothing. I make more money in a year than you will in a lifetime.”

Me: “That may be so, but I’m still not taking your dress back. It seems that the price shouldn’t be an issue for you.”

Customer: “You don’t know who I am. You’ll be lucky to have a job in the morning!”

Me: “If you earn as much as you say, wouldn’t my year of unemployment cost more out of your income taxes than the price of the dress?”

Customer: *storms off*

Me: “Thank you for calling your local 24-hour pharmacy. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, what time do you close?”

Me: “Sir, we never close. We’re open 24 hours.”

Customer: “Well, that’s just ridiculous. How can you put up with that?”

Me: “Sir?”

Customer: “So if I show up at four in the morning with a prescription, you’d be there?”

Me: “Yes, sir, we’d be open.”

Customer: “And what time do you open?”

Me: “Sir… we never close; we are always open. Think of it like a 24-hour diner; there’s always someone here to help you.”

Customer: “Oh, man, that must stink! When do you get time to go home and sleep?!”

Me: “Er… we have cots in the back.”